Friday, July 10, 2015

I'm the worst daughter

I am a horrible person but, you guys, I am so over being a caregiver.

I am constantly on edge and, sometimes, I think that if she asks me to do one more thing, I am going to explode.

It's not even the actual care giving that I'm irritated about, to be honest (and she doesn't need much help anyway), it is all of the other extras that are on top of it that I'm doing because Mom is volunteering me and I don't have a choice and it's making me resentful. I haven't had much of a life since her surgery and I am just tired.

Mom is doing too much (taking care of my grandpa daily, throwing three parties over the course of three weekends, etc.) and feels awful because of it and then she's in a bad mood because she feels too bad to get everything done that she wants to get done and then she asks me to pitch in and that's okay but I just want to yell at her. SLOW DOWN, MOTHER. YOU'RE DOING THIS TO YOURSELF.

And her attitude sucks. I think that might actually be what's really driving me mad. I happen to believe that your attitude is pretty indicative of your outcome and, if that's the case, she should just stop going to physical therapy and getting out of bed every morning and die of an infected bed sore. That's how bad her attitude sucks.

I get it. I get that it is miserable. I know she's frustrated. But the things she says make me want to wring her neck. "I am going to be unemployed because I won't be able to work" and "this surgery is the worst decision I have ever made" and similar nonsense.

It's a pointless fight to have so I never say anything. Usually I just put Meg on her. Being that she's a physical therapist and more familiar with the whole process, she's very blunt. "When you got this surgery, you knew that recovery would be 3-6 months. It's been 6 weeks. Buck up."

Mom usually listens to Meg. She just needs frequent lectures.

Throughout this whole process, I've been pretty good about taking this all for what it is. It's the surgery, it's not my mom. She was just so frustrating yesterday. When I finally got home, I stewed until I went to bed and then I had anxiety dreams all night long.

She seems better today and we're on the cusp of another big family weekend (tomorrow is Anna's baby shower) so I just need to take a deep breath, finish blogging out all of this ugly and get over it.

Don't tell my mom how awful I am, you guys.


Unknown said...

Oh, A. Every thought you're having is perfectly normal. You are not a bad person or a bad daughter, you are normal. Being a caretaker is tough enough as it is, I cannot imagine being a caretaker of a person with a negative spirit. That requires patience that I do not have. LOOK AT ALL THE FAVORS I AM DOING FOR YOU.

I hope this weekend goes smoothly! Give Brady a pat for me.

Lisa from Lisa's Yarns said...

First off, never say that you are a bad daughter - not even in a kidding way because that is so far from the truth! It is hard to be a care taker so it's only natural that you are feeling this week. I hope your mom breaks out of this mood soon because it's tough to deal with that on top of her recovery from the surgery!

I hope the baby shower goes smoothly tomorrow!

Anonymous said...

You are not a bad daughter. As the daughter of two parents with Alzheimer's I know how hard it can be to take of your parents. It's tough! And even if she doesn't say it just know that your mom is extremely grateful for all you do. Some days I just want to move to a deserted island and not deal with anything but unfortunately that's not an option. Hang in there!

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