Sunday, May 17, 2015

Just Talking

I am sitting outside on my front porch with Brady. It's quickly becoming one of my favorite activities. Especially in the mornings. I sit outside in my pajamas, looking like a hot mess and drinking coffee; Brady sniffs around the yard and observes the comings and goings of the neighbors. It's just nice to be outside.

We're just back from having dinner with Lucy and Chet and the boys. It was a good meal (the boys gave Brady way too many table scraps and he loved every bite) and a nice way to ease out of the weekend.

Practically the minute I arrived, Chet mentioned this guy that one of Lucy's friends wants to set me up with. 

Lucy had mentioned this guy and the blind date to me earlier in the weekend and it seemed like an okay idea. I wouldn't say that I was excited about it but I was not at all opposed. I just felt like: what could it hurt and how bad could it be. 

But tonight, when Chet brought it up and Lucy continued the conversation, I just wanted to bolt. I wanted to be anywhere but where I was, having a conversation about a date that, in that moment, I knew that I didn't even want to go on. 

I don't know what happened to the brave girl I was on Saturday morning when Lucy first brought it up, but she wasn't around tonight.

I don't know how I will ever be not single if I am too cowardly to go on a single blind date.

And I don't know how I will ever be not single if I'm too humiliated to even talk about my singleness.
That sounds dramatic, yes, but I am embarrassed of where my life is right now. I don't know how to put it more plainly than that. I am embarrassed. I feel like I'm failing such a basic part of adulthood, like it's such a fundamental part of being a human being that I'm screwing up so badly.

I just feel so pathetic that I can't even talk about it. I can't talk about the man who I'm not seeing or the dates that I am not going on or how lonely my life feels sometimes. It's all addressed with the same shy shrug. No eye contact. No words.

Which is basically how I handled tonight's conversation about this potential blind date.

A shrug.

That's all I can manage.

6 comments:

Lisa from Lisa's Yarns said...

It's tough. I know how you feel. I am pretty much the only unmarried person in my group of friends and have been for many years... I'm in a great relationship now but I had many years of being the single girl. I didn't like to talk about my singleness, either, as I didn't want my life scrutinized by others, and I was totally closed off to dating for a couple of years. Looking back, I'm glad I took that time away from dating so I could work on "me" but those years of singleness definitely had their dark moments.

Hang in there, lady! You are a great catch - never forget that! I don't know why some great guy hasn't realized that and swept you off your feet, but I really do believe it's going to happen for you!

Accidentally Me said...

I feel like single people are convinced that others judge them heartily because of their singledom. But honestly, I have almost never thought twice about why individual people are or aren't single...oftentimes it is just happenstance.

Certainly you are not the most outgoing girl, and you are not comfortable making yourself terribly "available", and that contributes, but it also doesn't make sense to force that. It's just not you. Mostly it's just the randomness of who we meet and how we meet them...you've met guys you wanted that didn't want you and guys who wanted you that you didn't want. It's frustrating, but it would be foolish to think it reflects some flaw in you.

And remember this: it is substantially healthier and happier to be single than to be in a bad relationship, and a significant portion of relationships are, in fact, bad relationships.

JBean said...

I feel you! I know how hard it is being the only single one and I feel embarrassed often too. But then there are other times I get angry about it and those are the times it spurs me to take action and hop back into online dating or go on a blind date. I say get a little angry and go meet this guy! I mean obviously don't be angry towards him!! Haha Just take your singleness by the balls and show it who's the boss!

Danielle said...

I think it would be a good idea to take a risk and go on a blind date with this guy.

With that being said, I've been where you are. I know how this feels. It used to make me so mad that my friends could see how great I was (as a person), yet I still felt miffed because a guy couldn't acknowledge that. Like what must be so terribly wrong with me that I am still single? In reality, its not a cross to bear. I'd rather be single than in a shit relationship.

You're also accomplished, remember that. A fur baby and a condo, all on your own. GROWN WOMAN! I'm jealous, I wish I owned property, or that I could own property on my own. Where I live now, not a possibility. Don't take it as something you lack, look at all that you have. The right man will come along when you aren't expecting it. As cliche as it sounds, its true. Because when are we ever expecting a guy to be shit? Like never, that's when.

NewNew said...

I'm 35 now and was single for 9 years up until 6 months ago. I actually always referred to myself as alone since being single kind of implied one was dating or looking. I maybe went on one or two dates a year. I hated going out on dates.

I wasn't too lonely or embarrassed by my singleness. I had my share of hard, dark moments, but mostly I was restless. I made it my goal to stay busy and I did. I played group sports and made some really good, lifelong friends (so far). I went out A LOT. That's part of it. Even if you don't want to go out on dates, it's great to have a group of single female friends to get rowdy with.

And it wasn't just about making new single friends. I had to distance myself a little bit from my married friends most of whom were already having kids. I still liked them, but didn't enjoy my time with them as much. I felt my alone-ness more when I was with them and, frankly, it was usually at one of their homes for dinner. Not a great way to meet people and I'm not talking about guys or have new experiences.

From this side of the keyboard, your life sounds amazing and it seems like you think so, too. But . . . if something feels off, try something new. Try to hang out more with your single girlfriends. If you don't have a lot, join another sports team or hit up random meetups or alumni groups.

This might sound weird, but whenever I would get into a funk or a rut, I would employ the George Costanza method of doing the opposite of what I normally do. Stuff I would usually say no to, I would say yes and vice versa (very different from saying yes to everything). It always worked.

Sabrina! said...

You're not failing adulthood! But it does sound like you have some issues when it comes to relationships and therapy could be immensely helpful at unpacking. I've gotten a lot out of therapy.

Any dumbass on the street could get a boyfriend. You're particular, you have a full life, and those are good things.

 
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