Monday, February 10, 2014

Not About The Olympics

I am very determined to not write about the Olympics today because I am fairly certain that my high-volume Olympic watching isn't what you're clicking over to read about (what are you clicking over to read about?) and it might be better to leave the sports analysis to the experts.

I hope you're not clicking over to read expert analysis on anything. Including my life.

I'm just winging it. All of it. And I'm pretty sure you all know that. You're a perceptive bunch.
I wonder what it would take for me to feel like I have it together and like I wasn't winging it all the damn time. A house of my own? A ring on my finger? A larger bra size? A tiny human who I'm raising? A bigger bank account? A better self-esteem?

Do I need all of the above? If so, I might not even try.

Last week, I saw my cousin Liz's W-2. Liz and I are the exact same age and, therefore, I find it very easy to compare myself to her. When I saw the W-2 just sitting out, I knew that I should run in the other direction (because I was traumatized by the damn thing last year) and I looked anyway and, well, she easily makes nearly four times what I make.

(It's weird how things are valued, isn't it?)

Yes, it's just money and I know that Liz is incredibly far from being effortlessly happy.

No, that awareness didn't make me feel like any less of a failure.

Today Liz was accepted into an MBA program. I coped with the news the exact way I cope when I find out someone's pregnant or engaged: I go overboard. I ran out to buy her a t-shirt and a card.

Liz dates losers and she has a dysfunctional relationship with her sister and she's always crash dieting but at least one star in her universe is shining. At least she's killing it somewhere.

I am just so average. Average to below average. I am not killing it anywhere. I am okay at a lot of things. Pretty bad at some others.

And basically the worst at anticipating what my life would be like.

I never thought that it was going to be like this.


gloriason said...

It always amazes me when someone who I admire puts themselves down. You are not average to below average at all. You are a fabulous daughter, above average intelligence with an advanced degree, such a wonderful friend to your friends, well traveled, very talented athlete, with a killer body! What's not to like? Money doesn't mean anything as regards to your self worth.

Anonymous said...

I agree with Gloriason-- money can't buy happiness. You have a good heart and surrounded by good people, and to me, that's the best part of life. If you enjoy your career, and it's rewarding and satisfying to you, then I would pick that over any salary.

Live everyday to the best, love and be loved, and you will always have a fulfilling life.

Anonymous said...

over the holidays, i met up with an old college friend who lives out of state. we only get to catch up about once a year, so we dont know each others day to day struggles, or even all the details of each others "big stuff." at some point during our dinner conversation, she said, "none of us are living the lives we thought we would." it was so comforting to hear from one of my peers! and its so true. no one is, really. ive thought about it a lot since and still find it comforting.

Unknown said...

I so feel the same way about myself. I'm just as average as average can be.

You never thought life was going to be like what? Sometimes average is good. It takes the pressure off.

Anonymous said...

I feel the same way as you and unfortunately don't feel like a star in shining in any area of my universe other than having great family and friends. I guess I should focus on that but it is hard when your living situation, relationship situation and career situation are not shining at all and have been dim for quite a while.
Sorry this turned out to be a depressing response.

I'm going to work out later - always feel good after getting those endorphins. Maybe you should do the same to feel better :)

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