Thursday, January 23, 2014

Lonely at the Top

I'm lonely.

I didn't realize that was part of being the boss. I should have. I would have been better prepared if I had realized that I wouldn't have an equal or someone to confide in or somebody to share the blame.

It's very lonely.

And exhausting. Every problem snowballs and, eventually, when the snowballs get big enough they come to rest right in front of my office door. Every snowball is mine to melt. Every problem is my problem.

There are bad weeks -- or stretches of two bad weeks, as I'm living through right now -- where a girl just needs to vent to someone who understands.

There are times when a girl just wants to be shown how to do something instead of figuring out the whole damn thing herself (and taking twice as long in the process).

There are days when a girl wants to be able to turn around and wordlessly communicate "WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?" with just the loon in my eye without having to worry that, by doing so, she may have set the gossip train in motion and there's a good chance by the end of the day every other staff member will be whispering about who I plan to fire.

This job is very lonely. I am very alone.

I am enjoying the challenge and I feel that I am making a very positive difference and it seems like I will never run out of projects to tackle or areas to improve and, in a lot of ways, I feel like I am in the right place -- that this is the job that pieces together all of the areas where I excelled at my past jobs and is really going to let me shine.

It's the right place for me, for now.

But damn it's lonely.  

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

For me, this is where professional associations have played a huge role. My agency didn't have money so I paid my own way to a meeting or two and met some people in similar situations. We call each other once a month or so to catch up or complain about that new regulation. The bonus? Someone always knows someone who can help with that paperwork. It's not the same as having peers you work with every day, but it helps. (Note that this advice is more applicable to public secor work, not sure what professional associations in the private sector are like.)

Accidentally Me said...

I was gonna say much the same that Anon already did...network, network, network! Other library directors are the best place to go if you need guidance or have questions, but other people in town in maybe similar roles can be a sounding board, too.

And sometimes, it can be just anyone that you can vent to a bit!

Lynn said...

I know exactly how you feel, being the boss myself. I'm also a female in a very male-dominated profession. The old boy network is very alive where I work. I agree, find someone with whom you can vent.

A said...

Thanks for the advice, you guys! My network is building up slowly (I haven't even been here 7 months) but I'll get there -- eventually, I'll have someone (or a bunch of someones) to call and rant to who REALLY understand what's going on.

 
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