Saturday, December 21, 2013

Jinx

Writing about this is complex.

Not because I don't want to jinx it.

Well, somewhat because I don't want to jinx it. Also because I don't want to get my hopes up. And because it's complicated and I just really want what's best to happen even though maybe what's best isn't what will make me the happiest the fastest.

I am currently writing about The Coach's job.

I'm giving him a really great Christmas present: a present that would be terribly awesome for someone who was living far from home. Which, one week after purchasing it, is now a little bit ironic. Or it has the potential to be. Or the timing is just interesting. I'm not quite sure what to think.

Last week, a posting for a job that piqued my interest and was located quite close to where he coaches landed in my inbox and I didn't delete it.

This week, he threw me for a loop.


Ultimately, I want him to do what makes him happy. I want him to chase his dreams as far as his heart and his ambition will carry him. I am not in the business of molding, modifying, validating, cancelling or otherwise meddling with his dreams.

And if I could without consequence, I still don't know that I would. It plays such a big role in who he is; I don't know if The Coach would be The Coach if he wasn't actively coaching a team he wanted to coach at a skill level that he wanted to coach. 

Forgive me for being vague. Writing even this much makes me nervous. It makes me want to cross my fingers and light a few dozen candles. I haven't told Lucy. I haven't even said it aloud.

The words on the screen make my skin crawl. I want to delete this and pretend that I never wrote it and never wished it and never thought about what it would be like. 

It's just too much to hope for.

2 comments:

Kari said...

If you need to chat -- I think you have my email...

Gloriason said...

I want what will make you both the happiest for the longest time and since I am a religious type of person, I'm going to say a special prayer for both of you that your dreams come true.

 
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