Saturday, July 20, 2013

The Unknown

This mess feels a lot like when The Coach first took his fancy 2,000-miles-away-people-recognize-him-as-one-of-the-university's-coaches coaching job. When he first left. When I reminded myself over and over and over again that what we had was temporary and fun and nothing more than that and I still couldn't curb the sadness.

It's that unknown.

It makes me sad. And it makes me sick.

Every single time he left, it got a little easier. He was gone physically but he was never gone gone and I didn't know that the first time he left and I had to think about what it would be like if he totally dropped out of my life and it was scary. And idling where we are right now -- Unresolvedland -- feels much the same.

We didn't get to settle it yesterday. We won't settle it today.

The wait is slowly killing me but I suspect that it's also good. I was mostly hysterical and far from the right place to talk to him on Thursday.

When Friday came around and I finally remembered to breathe, everything seemed a lot clearer. What I want. What I need to tell him.

It's fair and it's reasonable and it's nothing to be afraid of.

But there's that unknown.

And it's making me sick.


Lifting What? said...

The unknown might set you free.

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