Saturday, July 20, 2013

The Unknown

This mess feels a lot like when The Coach first took his fancy 2,000-miles-away-people-recognize-him-as-one-of-the-university's-coaches coaching job. When he first left. When I reminded myself over and over and over again that what we had was temporary and fun and nothing more than that and I still couldn't curb the sadness.

It's that unknown.

It makes me sad. And it makes me sick.

Every single time he left, it got a little easier. He was gone physically but he was never gone gone and I didn't know that the first time he left and I had to think about what it would be like if he totally dropped out of my life and it was scary. And idling where we are right now -- Unresolvedland -- feels much the same.

We didn't get to settle it yesterday. We won't settle it today.

The wait is slowly killing me but I suspect that it's also good. I was mostly hysterical and far from the right place to talk to him on Thursday.

When Friday came around and I finally remembered to breathe, everything seemed a lot clearer. What I want. What I need to tell him.

It's fair and it's reasonable and it's nothing to be afraid of.

But there's that unknown.

And it's making me sick.

1 comments:

Lifting What? said...

The unknown might set you free.

 
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