Thursday, July 18, 2013

The Talk: Bombed It

We had some version of The Talk yesterday.

You guys have been hyping up all of the many benefits of a clarifying chat with The Coach for, um, a really long time (let's not discuss how long it's really been okay? Okay.) and yesterday it happened.

Because he started it.

And I played it too cool and then it got interrupted and I didn't get a chance to say what I wanted to say and I could just cry. I don't exactly know how I wanted this to go but I don't think it was this.

The Coach: Are you okay with all of this? Just want to make sure.
Me: Yeah. I mean, mostly. Are YOU okay with all of this?
The Coach: I am but it's different. ...mostly?
Me: Different? What makes you different, exactly?
The Coach: You first. Why mostly?
Me: It would be completely out of character for me if I didn't question every decision I've ever made at least a hundred times over.
The Coach: Well, I'm just making sure. I'm sure there are other guys wanting you and I steal all of the fun and run off.
Me: You're not playing fair. Why different? If I'm explaining myself, you're explaining yourself!
The Coach: I'm the one leaving. That's why it's different.
Me: But I've known that you're leaving from the very beginning. It's okay. You have to go do your thing. I get it. I am not interested in standing between you and your goals. That's not my style. Is this perfect? No. Nothing is.
The Coach: I just don't want to keep you from doing other stuff, you know?
Me: I guess. I suppose I've never really thought of it that way. Am I keeping you from...other stuff?
The Coach: I don't do other stuff. I'm old.
Me: Oh, please. You aren't old. Listen, this has been going on for a long time. I thought it was going to be a one-time thing and...obviously I was incorrect.


While I was in the backyard retrieving the ball that they'd thrown over the fence, The Coach took a phone call and then he was picking up a friend from the airport so he had to go and it unceremoniously ended there.

I sent him a text a little while after he left about something else. And I mentioned our little chat and how we should finish it later. And also was like: listen, you're not "different" because you're leaving. Don't use the distance as a crutch. If it isn't anything, it isn't anything.

So, anyway. I'm kicking myself today.

I don't feel any better. I don't feel any worse.

I feel a little like crying.

And a little like puking.

And a little stupid and a little relieved and a little confused and a little frustrated.

So, basically, that wasn't awesome.


k said...

You need to be less submissive, and more assertive. Not in a give him an ultimatum kind of way, but in a I can communicate my feelings confidently kind of way (even if you are faking it a bit). I think you'll get there. Don't give up, you deserve to have an honest conversation. Don't keep yourself from having that.

Michiganmomma said...

Don't give up bring it back up! He is checking to make sure you want to be with him even though he is leaving. Keep the conversation going and like k said be confident he is totally into you. And he said he's old he isn't interested in looking for someone else he likes you and wants more!

Lauren said...

Am I the only one reading this as him saying that you should see other people and this was a breakup talk? It sounds to me like he's realized that he's used you all of this time, by being so selfish with such an ambiguous relationship.

I hope you're able to get some clarity on what he actually means. Saying that things or people are "different" isn't saying anything. Make the man say what he wants or doesn't want. If he can't commit to you, you should move on, he doesn't deserve a person as awesome as you are!

Kari said...

Hmmm....I didn't take it as the breakup talk -- but more of a what the hell are we doing, is this more than a fling to you (I think he thinks it is more than a fling) talk?
I think you need a google chat session with AM, maybe she can coach you on what to say to the coach!

my life is brilliant said...

I could see what Lauren is saying, but I really don't think that's the case here. He's clearly blown right by his get-out-of-jail-free card by saying he's not interested and that he's "old." I think this is his bashful, trying to not be too touchy-feely because he's the man, and dudes don't usually bring up The Talk approach.

As for kicking yourself, I had to backpedal with A LOT of serious talks Kevin and I had. When I told him I knew we'd get married someday, it was the most awkward conversation ever. I'm pretty sure it sounded like I was trying to tell him I was pregnant or something. There were conversations where he blurted out the first thing that popped into his head, which was never close to what he really meant.

Relationship talks are awkward. You have to walk the line between not coming on too strong or too indifferent, and you have to try to explain where you are without sounding psycho, desperate, annoyed or any other host of crappy emotions. It's stressful but exciting at the same time. And it's rarely ever smooth. Good job on texting to say you'll finish the conversation. Now do as you said you would!

Fabulously Always said...

Was this entire conversation through text?:( That's kind of sad. It's clearly something very important to you.

I don't know, every time I read about the Coach I just get sad for you.

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