Wednesday, May 01, 2013

Daydreaming nightmares

I just caught myself having the ugliest thought.

What I didn’t realize before embarking on my quest to think a little more positively is exactly how often I entertained such cruel and unproductive thoughts. About myself. I was mean. Frequently.

Why? What’s the point in that? The world is hard enough as it is. Why make it harder?

That’s all I was doing. Making it harder. I would set up these scenarios in my head: this is the bad thing that would happen, this is how it would happen, this is how awful it would feel, this is how embarrassed I would be, this is how it would break me.

I selected various awful scenarios: from what it would be like if I tore my ACL, to various ways my situation with The Coach could come crashing down, to assorted work calamities, to eternal loneliness to deaths.

I daydreamed nightmares.

But I am remarkably happier when I don’t. It’s noticeable. I feel lighter.

That isn’t so say that my mind doesn’t go there.

It just went there. And, for a few seconds, it stayed there. Until I realized what I was doing and I shook it out and pushed it away.

Because that isn’t how that story is going to end.

I refuse to allow that story to end so hideously.

It won’t happen.

So there’s no use in dwelling on it.

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