Monday, April 08, 2013

Years: 2

Two years ago, to the minute, right now? I thought The Coach was all talk.

I had just interviewed for a job -- this job -- and my head was just full. Full from the interview. Full from work. Full from the attention I got from a guy who was way, way out of my league. The Coach.

Always The Coach.

He is a constant in my life where he never should have been. He's here. He's always here. Even when, (far too often) physically, he isn't.

What we have is a mess. Two years of a confusing mess that I don't know how to get out of. Two years of a confusing mess that I don't know if I want to get out of. (Truthfully, even though logic screams otherwise, I don't think that I do.) It's so simple and it's so complicated and it feels so safe and it feels stupid and it feels right and it feels like everything and it feels like nothing.

I love having him in my life. He's worth every single tear. He's worth this mess.

I'm sure that you all think that I'm insane. I think that I'm insane.

And, in the same breath, I remind myself that he's still here. Two years later. He's still here. Shouldn't he not? Wasn't there a reason that I never stored his number in my phone? Didn't I spend all that energy reminding all of us that this was just temporary?

Two years isn't temporary.

I don't know what it is.

But it isn't temporary.

2 comments:

Readyandfading said...

Things can be confusing and still good. You are a beautiful, intelligent, talented, interesting lady...don't sell yourself short. If and when you are ready, you can clarify things with The C, but you don't need to, if you are still okay with things as they are. I think often things come to an absolute boiling point when one person in a relationship needs definition of it and perhaps that time will come and perhaps it won't. I'm routing for whatever makes you happy.

Sarah said...

You're right! Two years is a big deal! You sound hopeful and that makes me happy :)

 
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