Thursday, March 28, 2013

Safe and fearful

Today I feel like the most fearful person in the world.

I feel cowardly. I feel silly. I feel like I am standing in my own way. Like I always do.

I am afraid. Because look how safe this life is that I have right now. I know what to expect. I know the days will unfold. I know what my workday will be like. I know exactly what I will do when I return home in the evenings. Good or bad, there are no surprises.

It's all okay. It's all enough, I guess.

As things stand now, I'm not unhappy.

As things stand now, I'm not happy.

But why upset the apple cart when there is a chance -- albeit a small chance -- that what could be a step forward could actually be a step back?

It's hard. Doing this all by myself. Making all of these decisions alone. Taking a leap of faith by myself. If I fall, if I do this wrong, if this doesn't turn out okay: the only person I can fall back on is me.

I am a team of one. I am the coach, the player and the manager.

I call the plays.

I decide when to push aside the conservative cowardice and call the trick play.

When the time is right.

I'm hoping it is soon.


Lauren said...

Don't fear change...if you indeed want something different, go after something different. It's really just that simple...if you're happy where you are, doing what you're doing, great! But don't be afraid to live the life you've always imagined. You are the only person holding you back...

Heather said...

first, off your recommendation last february, i tried the pioneer woman's pie crust because you were so happy about how easy it was. DUDE IT TOTALLY WAS EASY. and so delicious. so thanks for that.

second, to be honest, i sort of like that it's just me. i have a big thing with accountability and taking it when you should. is it frightening? fuck yes, it is. it's all on me. what i decide, what i do, how it will impact my future and the roof over my head - it's all on me. but. BUT. it's also so ridiculously freeing and liberating and worth it. because i am only affecting my life. i am at a very weird point, where i'm an adult and i'm advanced in my age (ok, 33) and i have no husband (but i have a cute boy) and no kids and no house and no dog and no white picket fence and i can shake things up however i want to, and the only person who i have to worry about is heather. i choose to look at it as a positive gamble. am i sad i don't have a house and white picket fence and a dog and an adorable husband? sure. Little Me always thought by the time i reached this old fuddy-duddy age, that i'd have all those things plus maybe a kid or two and i'd be settled and way more adultish than i am. because c'mon; adults don't listen to britney spears and the jonas brothers on their headphones at work, right? they listen to like, easy listening stations and jazz and npr and stuff that i also listen to, but i temper all that with the cheesy pop. adults don't temper it with cheesy pop! but as the Valedictorian of my class at the School Of Hard Knocks, after clawing my way out of an unemployment/depression-riddled black hole, and then finding more inner strength and dropping 110lbs, i can tell you that even if you fail - by your definition or Webster's - you'll bounce back. and i sincerely mean that. you would because you're smart. but more than anything, you would because you'd have to. because you get tired of asking for help and you just work harder at pulling yourself up by your bootstraps. will you fail at things? yes, you will. will you take risks that don't pan out? you should. it's how you learn. if you're 70% sure about doing something, then do it. if you fail, so be it, but staying the course, when you're sort of eh about your life? that's the worst thing you can do to yourself. if you're not deliriously in love with your life and excited by it more days than you're eh or sad by it, then you're starting a slow slide into failure. everyone is a story, and it's completely and utterly your responsibility - regardless of if your life is just you or you + a cute boy + 20 children + a billion puppies - to make your story a great one. never settle for just "good," because you only get this one chance. Why wouldn't you want to spend this chance making it as thrilling and as packed with things as you can? you should be mad with yourself if you settle for just "eh."

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