Sunday, February 17, 2013

This is anxiety?

How much anxiety is too much anxiety?

I feel like a certain amount of anxiety just comes from being human and having a brain and using that brain to think. But there is obviously some place, a point that you reach, when your anxiety is no longer just a part of being a human and having a brain and using that brain to think. When it becomes a problem.

I'm just wound so tightly.

These last couple of days have been especially bad. I can't really breathe and I'm swinging my leg all the time. Nervously. Constantly. Like I have to get this energy out somehow and the only way is through the constant swinging of my right foot.

Of course my right foot. (I am such a right-foot dominant soccer player that is is almost comical.)

Nothing is appealing. Not dinner with my family on Friday night. Not shopping with my mom for a few hours before. Not finishing up a task at work. Not drinking wine at Liz's birthday dinner. Not the book I just finished. Especially not a ridiculously unwise trip to Ikea on a Sunday afternoon. Not the family party that I'll be attending shortly. Not my hockey game tonight.

I don't want anything. Except for time to pass quickly and easily and deposit me at the end of this anxiety, much like a river emptying into a lake. Or something else that's vaguely poetic.

I wish I could just cry this out but I can't seem to do it. The tears are right there but I'm so bottled up. Anxious.

This is anxiety, isn't it?

When do you ride it out and when are you supposed to ask for help?


Kari said...

Yes, this is anxiety. I would say you should ask for help when you can no longer cope on your own. That's not very helpful I know. Have the instances been getting closer together? Do you feel it is adversely affecting your health? Are you sleeping/eating properly? Are you having trouble making rational decisions? Do you think that asking for help would help? Have you tried having an So Midwestern day (or evening/afternoon?). Time just for you doing what you want to do. When was the last time you just did something for you and not for someone else? Maybe going to a movie by yourself; grabing your camera and taking some fun pics; getting chocolate cupcakes from 6 different cupcake places; checking into a hotel for a night and just concentrating on you; driving to Canada and observing those crazy people :), etc
Maybe by writing this you are seeking help.
You need to take time EVERYDAY for you doing something that makes you feel good and preferably makes you laugh. Maybe it is writing on the blog the 10 craziest things you saw today. Maybe it is setting 10 happiness goals (ie 10 things you want to do this year that are just for you --).
For me it is important that I get away at least once a year all by myself -- where i just have to take care of me -- not worry about any one else.
Anyhow -- this is a novel. Email me if you want to chat more about this...
Sending lots of hugs,

Readyandfading said...

I have anxiety and this sums me up completely. An utter sense of indifference and blah mixed with a little bit of unnecessary panic and restlessness. I can't turn my mind off, ever. Sleep when it comes is my only relief. I say get help when you feel like the anxiety is overtaking your quality of life. Everyone deserves to feel relaxed, rested, and at peace sometimes. Best of luck with it and you are not alone!

A said...

Both of your comments made me cry (I'm intentionally not reading them again because I'm at work at the moment). It's really nice to know someone cares when you're feeling so stupidly crappy.

I feel 500x less awful than I felt yesterday. But still not awesome. Time to spend a little more time on me, I think. I have Thursday off of work and a really quiet weekend planned, so I think it's a good place to start. We'll see where to go after that. :)

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