Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Useless

Yesterday, I had an excuse.

Yesterday was Marathon Monday. And I was useless.

My legs didn’t work. My brain didn’t work. My eyelids were heavy. My concentration was nonexistent.

The half marathon I ran on Sunday was, by far, the best of the whopping 3 half marathons I have participated in.

Still wasn’t easy.

It took a lot out of me. I forgot to anticipate that. The early morning, combined with the long distance (my longest training run was 12 miles), the pace (I usually train at around a 10 minute/mile pace, I ran at 8:40something) and all of the excitement? Exhausting.

There isn’t enough coffee in the world to combat Marathon Monday.

Today, I don’t have an excuse.

My legs hardly hurt. I got more than 7 hours of sleep. And I’m useless.

That’s how I feel at work lately. Useless.

I don’t know what the source of this problem is. If it’s the environment or my supervisor or the entire organization or my coworkers or if it’s just me. I can’t find my best self when I’m here. I’m doing what I need to do, but it isn’t coming with any satisfaction. I don’t feel like I’m fulfilling any purpose. I’m just working. Doing what I need to do and listening to seemingly endless talk about being innovative and creative and watching every innovative and creative idea that comes out of a staff meeting get shot down or smothered by bureaucracy.

I know that it’s a job. I know that it isn’t supposed to always be fun and that I’m not always supposed to like it. But I feel like I’m being smothered. This asphyxiation is agonizingly slow. Kill me now. Render me brain dead so that I can do the work without feeling it.

That's all I do. I feel it. Every worthless second I feel and it hurts. So much. Because I know that I can be more and do more. And I'm not sure if the problem is me -- do I severely lack motivation? -- or if it's circumstance. Or if this is just what working is like so I just need to give it up and stop hoping for more.

So I feel worthless.

So I feel guilty about feeling worthless.

So I feel frustrated. All the damn time. 

1 comments:

Kari said...

Have you thought about a job in Research? We just hired a library grad to do work with documentation (working with the data analysts, researchers, etc to pull out what they do, why, etc and put it in a form that is user friendly) and knowledge translation. Both I think you would be great at.

 
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