Thursday, October 25, 2012

A bad mood all around

I’m so bad at being in a bad mood. I’m just awful at it. I let it take me over, pull me under. When I’m in a bad mood I am consumed by it. I can’t just be crabby. No. It’s never that simple. My career is going nowhere. I am selfish. I am unmotivated. I have no friends. I don’t visit my grandparents enough. My blog is boring. I don’t dedicate enough time or funds to the causes I most believe in. My sister probably hates me. My hair smells funny. The world is going to end.

I spent the first half of this week stuck in a bad mood. It’s not a fun place to be. I’m not good at it. I’m not smart enough to just cry and get it over with. Or drink and get it over with. Or vent and get it over with. I hang on and I try to be cheerful and productive and fine. On the outside. On the inside, I’m a tornado of bad energy. Anxiety. All anxiety. Anxiety seeping out of my pores. (Maybe that is what’s making my hair smell funny.)

I just can’t quite figure out how to be down, but not completely out. To be sad or irritated or disappointed or frustrated without being only sad or irritated or disappointed or frustrated. I could handle being annoyed about something (multiple somethings, even) and still maintaining my sanity in other areas of my life. It would be almost pleasurable, compared to how it is now. When everything – good, bad, otherwise – crushes my soul.

Things that crushed my soul this week: my mom misplacing her cell phone, the fact that I’m not going to be able to go to my own family birthday party because I have to work, my work schedule in general, stairs, salmon, a few really great things that happened to/for The Coach, Aunt Liz, Meg calling me after 11:00 pm, temporarily misplacing a Starbucks gift card, the postponement of a baking project with Lucy, my checking account and my hockey team’s pathetic attempt at play at our Monday night game that was annoyingly inconvenient for me to attend.

Do I need to mention that I’m premenstrual or is that ridiculously, blatantly obvious?

Either I never used to get like this or I was completely oblivious to it.

Not cool.

Remind me of this in a month.


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