Wednesday, October 10, 2012

30 for 30: #10

I've been 30 for one week and one day and I'm still answering 30 questions to celebrate my 30th birthday. If I had to turn 30, drawing out the celebration (at least on my blog) was (and continues to be) critical.

#10/30 -- from Kari

Maybe something about how you and the coach left things -- ie did you have the talk etc?

When The Coach left back in July – and up until quite recently – I didn’t want to write about him.

Forgive me for pretending that he didn’t exist. I just needed a little bit of time to reset. I needed to step back and figure out where – and if – he fits into my life.

When he left, he pissed me off. I told him that he pissed me off. Being so up front was a rare course of action for me (I prefer to quietly stew in my own misery), but it needed to be done. And I’m glad that I did it. Because I never once stood up for myself, I never once made it clear that I was anything but ready and willing and able at his every whim.

After that, I let things go. I stopped caring. I still hear from him. I still talk to him. I still adore him. He is still part of my life. But not like before.

It will never be like before, when all I wanted was him to like me enough. When all I wanted was for him to see me. When all I needed was for him to take one step forward. A small step. An infinitesimal step. And he never did.

It will never be like before. I know that there is no chance. I know that there is no future. I have stop pretending. I have stopped hoping.

I don’t hold my breath any longer.

And that makes everything a lot easier to take.


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