Saturday, June 30, 2012

Want/Have/Need

I am not grateful enough.

It’s so much easier for me to focus on what I don’t have. On the boy who doesn’t care. On the money that isn’t in my bank account. On the success that feels unattainable. 

I am not grateful enough for what I have.

Like, yesterday, for example. Yesterday was perfect. I know that yesterday was perfect but I am having the hardest time expressing that. Because it was perfect in a way that my life has almost always been. Perfect in a way that I tend to overlook.

I was surrounded by everything that I love. Everything that I take for granted because it is all so steady and consistent and safe.

It was all of the things that I need. It felt regular and right but it didn’t feel perfect even though that was exactly what it was. It just felt like my life.

It was the ideal summer afternoon. Lucy. Chet. The baby. The lake. An easy lunch. A dip in the lake. Happy, wet dogs. A sweet, fat baby sleeping wedged between us on the double chaise lounge. I wore sunscreen and a swimsuit and I left my phone inside. I wasn’t worrying about the boys who were calling. I wasn’t worrying about the boys who weren’t. I wasn’t worrying. I was chipping my nail polish. My hair was dirty. I didn’t care. I was cooing over a baby and laughing at swimming dogs and I was eating popcorn and I was happy. 

Maybe I already have everything that I need.

Maybe I have everything that I’m going to get.

Maybe this is it. Maybe this is my life.

Maybe I just need to stop looking. Stop trying. Stop wanting. All that reaching seems to accomplish is to make me sad. I shouldn't be. I am lucky. And I am going to work on being more grateful.

3 comments:

Shelley said...

Being content with your life and current situation is key, I think. Not worrying about how/when you are going to meet a guy comes along with that. It's so stressful to want and want and wish and hope and get let down every time something boy-related doesn't pan out (speaking from experience). Make a happy list every few days. Concentrate on the good stuff and more good stuff will come along!

k said...

For the past year or two I have been making a conscious effort to be aware of how great my life is (even if it isn't perfect) and to be thankful for all I have. I have found that in doing so I am so much more happy than when I was sulking around. Sometimes I go back to my woe is me ways but it never lasts long, I'm not perfect of course, but I am so thankful that I've realized how important it is to be thankful :)

Cheese alert here! I really hope that you can find this place too!!

Teagan B. Sawyer said...

I completely identify with this post. The way you write...it's the thoughts inside my head that I can't seem to get out.

 
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