Sunday, July 01, 2012


I'm handling everything that's going down with The Coach fairly well.
What it is and who he is has become so apparent that I can no longer excuse it as anything else. The situation is very clear. There are no more questions. There are no more dreams. I accept it as what it is: a shitty situation.

Mostly, I roll my eyes. I laugh it off. It is genuinely comedic, how this ended up. How truly pathetic this is.

I still get sad, but I don't get sad like I did when I was unsure of his intentions. Now I am no longer sad because I feel like I'm losing him. I never had him to begin with. When I am sad, I am sad because of how poorly he treated me. My feelings are hurt.

Last night was a sad night. I had worked all day and I didn't have any plans. I didn't really want to do anything but I sort of wanted plans and also wanted to be alone. I turned down an invitation from Alexander. I ate pie. I still felt sad.

I was in my car just after 10:00 pm and the tears wouldn't stop rolling down my cheeks. I just kept wiping them away and wiping them away, trying to keep my focus on the road but the tears kept coming and ahead on the horizon was a specacular fireworks display.

I didn't realize how close I was to the fireworks until they were right beside me on the expressway.

I love fireworks. I pulled off at the next exit. I parked my car facing the fireworks.

I sat in my car for the next 25 minutes. By myself.
Listening to John Mayer.
Watching fireworks.
And not wearing a bra.

I do not know that I have ever fit the pathetic single girl cliché quite as well as I fit it last night.

I am a little disappointed that I wasn't crying directly into a pint of Ben and Jerry's.


Unknown said...

i love this post. honest & raw. sometimes we need alone time and music and tears to make it through. i sure have needed all 3 lately.

Teagan B. Sawyer said...

Sometimes sad can sort of hit you by surprise. I'm sorry this is a little rough patch for you. xo

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