Friday, May 18, 2012

They kept me this long

Today is my one year anniversary at my job.

I’ve been telling my coworkers that I’m going to turn into a completely new person at the completion of my first year. That I would immediately begin sharing all of my long-oppressed thoughts. That I would no longer be sweet or fun or funny. That I would dye my hair black and grow devil horns and spit fire.

Unsurprisingly, I came in this morning to find this in my email:

Oh, coworkers. They can make it or break it, can’t they? I work with good people. I don’t fit in with them – our relationships are nothing like the relationships I had in my old job (in ways that are both good and bad) – but they’re good people.

If my first day of work was one year ago, my return from Europe was one year ago yesterday.

I kind of love that I flew in from Europe on Tuesday night and started a new job on Wednesday morning.

I kind of loved that trip, too.

Maybe that’s why I’ve been a crabby bitch all week. Because, one year ago, I was in Italy and Switzerland and, this week, I’m frustrated and angry and in neither Switzerland nor Italy.


(It’s therapeutic.)

I thought that, after a year here, I would feel more settled.

I wanted this job with everything that I had and, when I landed it, I expected to be a year in and feel like I was on the right track and doing the right thing and making the right moves and doing what I wanted to do and I feel absolutely none of that.

What I do feel is this: as though I’m never going to hit my stride. Like it’s always going to be this way.

As someone who always excelled at everything that was truly important to me – in school, with friendships, on the soccer field, with my family – I am astounded at how much I truly suck at being an adult.


Heather said...

the secret is that everyone sucks as being an adult. anyone who says they don't is lying to you.

Teagan B. Sawyer said...

You write exactly how I feel!

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