Thursday, March 22, 2012

Step back

In just about a month, The Coach will be back here for the summer and I need to find a way not to care about that.

His season recently ended and, when it did, The Coach turned back into The Coach. The Coach who I know – who I have gotten to know so damn well over the last 15 months – not The Coach who is under tremendous pressure to win and can therefore do nothing but live and breathe sport and rankings and wins and losses. And so it has been good lately, good having him in my life – albeit at a distance – to the extent that I need him in my life.

And with things between us blissfully placid, I have slowly been undoing all of the good that came from my fling with Alexander. The only good that came from my fling with Alexander. That distance that it created. The newfound ability to care just a little bit less. Just enough to keep me from going crazy. It was a brief and wonderful respite. Now here I am, caring too much all over again.

I am writing this for myself, I suppose, more than I am writing this for anyone else. Attempting to remind myself to keep a safe distance. To take another step back. To retreat to that place where I can actually breathe.

When he gets here, in just about a month, we’re going to have a talk and that might be it. It could be the end of our story. That’s why I need to step back. That’s why I need to find a way not to care. He could make the wrong choice.

He could make the wrong choice.

I don’t know what I’m going to do if he makes the wrong choice.

1 comments:

Teagan B. Sawyer said...

He would be SO lucky to have you! Keeping my fingers crossed he makes the right choice. I totally identify with this.

 
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