Wednesday, February 15, 2012

The decision to make a bad decision

I went home with Alexander on Sunday and -- breaking news! -- I feel like crap.

In addition to feeling like crap, I also feel like this fantastic combination of reckless/naive/whore/stupid/tramp.

Not surprising.

What does surprise me is that I allowed whole thing to happen in the first place. That I made that decision. That after 29 years of making the right choices and doing the right thing, I threw up my hands and decided not to care about what was right or what I would feel like the next day or the repercussions of my actions. I made the decision to make a bad decision. And it wasn't really all that liberating. Or all that great. Or all that anything, really, except horribly awkward and, ugh, I can't believe that I did what I did. I cannot believe that I made that choice.

Awkward, horrible and regrettable as it may be, it wasn't a complete loss. I've had two days to think it over. Two days to hate myself for doing what I did. And, as much as I wish that I could undo Sunday night, that series of awful choices did serve to put what I have with The Coach in an entirely new light. He's complicated. We're complicated. Our situation is complicated. But it couldn't be this hard and this complicated if it didn't have substance and maybe I needed to make that mistake with Alexander to realize it. That The Coach and I do have something. Something hard and something complicated but it's something. Something other than a series of bad decisions on a Sunday night.

And I wasn't sure of that. Until I made bad decisions with someone else, I suspected that was all The Coach and I were, too. Bad choices and fun.

But when I tried on what I thought that I had with The Coach with someone else, I realized that wasn't what we were. Complicated and hard? Yes. Nothing more than a series of bad decisions? No.

And then yesterday was Valentine's Day and who did I hear from? The Coach. And who did I not hear from? Alexander. Other than a pair of text messages exchanged early on Monday afternoon, I haven't talked to Alexander since I left his house. Pretty sure that makes me less his valentine and more his one night stand. Awesome. I am so awesome. And my self-esteem is skyrocketing higher and higher by the minute.

I have to see Alexander tomorrow at my hockey game and I am dreading it. Just absolutely fucking dreading it, you guys. I don't want to be in the same place as him. I don't want to pretend like it was okay and I'm over it because I'm not over it. What happened happened, yes, and it is far from the end of the world. I just really don't feel like smiling and pretending like nothing happened. And I don't want to talk to him.

And I don't want to look at him because my eyes will give it all away: I'm embarrassed and I am ashamed and I am remorseful. I am mad that we haven't talked. I am relieved that we haven't talked. I'm confused. I feel stupid. I am pissed at him and I am way, way more pissed at myself.


k said...

I have like 8 million things to say about this but I am about to step away from the computer for the rest of the day so I will say just one now... Everyone makes choices that we regret but it is part of the learning process called life. You have already pointed out one good thing that came of your actions (getting a better grasp on what is going on with the coach) but I think another is that now you know that one night stands are not your thing and you won't be engaging in them again. I figure you've got to learn that sometime.


Susan said...

I second what K said up there, and would also like to add that this is totally in line with your New Years resolutions. I know that may sound flip, but I mean it.I realize when you resolved to "Be Brave" you didn't necessarily mean this, but you did something that was way out of your comfort zone. You learned something about yourself and about the coach in the process.

As for not wanting to face Alexander...I mean it's tough but it will pass. And in the long run this will, hopefully, end up seeming like a minor event. No matter what though you are totally not "reckless/naive/whore/stupid/tramp" so don't let yourself think it!


Accidentally Me said...

Well, you have my thoughts in detail already...but let's clear one thing are not a whore!

A slut, maybe, but your amateur status is still intact!

Kari said...

You need to give yourself a break.
You are not a whore or a bad person.
You have not cheated on the coach.
You tried something new and found out it wasn't for you.
I understand the dread but try not to let it consume you.
Be brave...and this too will pass.

A said...

Oh, you guys are all awesome in every way that matters. Thanks for always being on my team, even when I do shady things.

I'm leaving in a couple of minutes to go to my hockey game. This should be interesting.

Teagan B. Sawyer said...

Agree with everything everyone said above. I made this decision once too. And the sucky feelings that it brought on were rather annoying but that moment doesn't define you what so ever. Sometimes you need to make a mistake or two to figure things out. And I hate to use that word "mistake" because that's not what I mean at all. Big hugs to you you!

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