Friday, December 16, 2011

Not possible, not realistic

I am such a jackass.

What fantasy world was I living in when I was dreaming up what it would be like during The Coach’s visit? And why didn’t I get struck down by lightning for entertaining such stupidity? I am dumb.

This is not easy. I thought that it would be easy. I thought that this visit would be nothing but rainbows and unicorns and cotton candy. I was wrong.

I should have realized that upon The Coach’s arrival that I would immediately begin counting down to his departure. I should have known that every hour would feel critical. That every evening would mark the end of another day. That spending as much time as I wanted to spend with The Coach – enough time to make the last four months seem palatable in hindsight – was virtually impossible.

I have a job that I need to go to. He has work that needs to be done while he’s here. He has other commitments. I have other commitments. My house is 40 minutes away from where he’s staying. And we only have three weeks. And I want to spend every second of those three weeks with him. But it isn’t possible. It isn’t realistic.

I’m not his girlfriend. I’m not tagging along to his family outing to see The Christmas Carol. I’m not going to the bar to sit at his side and drink with a bunch of dudes he went to high school with. I am not his girlfriend. And as much as I want to drag him to the Hanukkah party I’m attending next week or to this weekend’s cookie baking extravaganza, that’s not what you do. That isn’t how it works. I’m not going to trick him into a relationship.

And please don’t get me started on New Year's Eve. Which is always a disappointment. But I would like to be disappointed with him. I would like to make out with him at midnight. I would like to include him in my (yet to be determined) plans. I would like him to include me in his (currently unknown) plans. But that’s an awkward dance. Should we? Shouldn’t we? Are we? Aren’t we?

I hate asking. Even if it is only in my head, I hate asking. I hate feeling needy and clingy. I hate reminding myself that not asking is guaranteeing that the answer is no. I hate leaving my comfort zone. I hate stirring up the courage. I hate the vulnerability. I hate knowing that it’s the only way.

Nothing is going to change in three weeks. He will leave and we will have the same blurry status that we had when he left in August. I’m really going to miss you and I’m making no promises. Because distance makes it hard to promise. If I’m being honest, I don’t think he likes me enough to even give it a try. So be it. It’s okay. It sucks, but it is okay. It’s real life.

5 comments:

Kim said...

This time apart from The Coach has been hard. But I cannot imagine how it is with him here--knowing that what you ultimately want is probably not in the cards.

I hope that at some point in this all you'll find some peace. Or at least some ability to deal with him and your relationship--whatever status it may occupy--no matter what the distance is.

k said...

Oh right now I so know what you mean. I got the "I'm really going to miss you and I'm making no promises" speech too. It is so effing hard. Normally I'd tell you to tell him how you feel but I did that and now I am afraid I messed it up for good. Real life is not always so fun...

my life is brilliant said...

I don't know ... Long-distance relationships are tough, and they can weed out the casual ones pretty quickly. I think it's only fair to have a conversation about what's going on. You've been in this muddy limbo for months already. Wouldn't it be easier to know?

Anonymous said...

I am a very long time reader... I hope you don't mind this very unsolicited advice/opinion, but as "anonymous" and as much as I don't know you in "real life," I still care.

You deserve better. You deserve MORE. You deserve to have it ALL. I spent years pining after a guy who would take and take, who loved my attention, who loved my time... but who didn't love me. I was constantly building up our relationship in my heart, only to have it torn down in reality. I watched my sister go through the same thing. She finally decided that she was done with that guy, and not but a few weeks later, in walks the love of her life. He was someone who had been on the edges, on the periphery of her social circle for a while, but she had never noticed him, because she was too distracted by the jerk.

You are worth more than this. You deserve a man who will treat you like a lady, who will be counting the minutes until he can rush home to you. You are precious. If The Coach realizes this, he will make the time for you, he will make his intentions CLEAR to you, and he will pursue you like a man. If he does not, cut him loose. He's only taking advantage of your heart, by making it so conveniently "no strings attached."

I sincerely wish you the best.

Anonymous said...

Hi,

This post rings true for a lot that I am feeling and going through right now.The previous anonymous post is what my head is saying, but my heart wants what it wants. I wish I had the added bonus of my relationship being long distance, but we are both very local to each other, I know he cares for me, even loves me, but it isn't fulfilling my every need right now (being alone for Christmas has made that painfully obvious) and now I have some hard decisions to make. He unfortunately is going through a transition in his life, that makes talking about this right now, impossible...so on top of that I have another two months to deal with this...

I thank you for the outlet to say my little piece and knowing someone somewhere is dealing with something similar...it's not a fun place to be in...but it's nice to know you aren't alone sometimes.

 
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