Sunday, November 20, 2011

Um, so, yeah

I might have been slightly psychotic yesterday. Maybe jumping to a few conclusions that were somewhat cleared up with a bit of investigation (read: F'book stalking) and the enlightenment of rational thinking.

But I'm still going to lay low for a few days and give us a little bit of distance and see how this feels because, yes, the reason that I freaked out was not foolproof but the feeling is still there. It is this heavy, uneasy feeling that I can't shake and The Coach is basically doing nothing. Nothing to cause the problem. And nothing to make it go away.

He's home for three weeks in three weeks. I would hate to give up those three weeks with him just because I'm feeling insecure and unsteady. And, at the same time, I would hate to spend three weeks getting reattached to him if, when he goes, we end up where we are right now.

Where we were in September? Great. Where we were a month ago? Fine. But where we are today? It isn't good. It isn't sustainable.

Maybe I want more than I can expect for him to give.

Maybe he can give once I learn how to ask.

I don't want to give up on him - we're more than halfway through his season. I don't want to prolong the misery of expunging him from my life if that is how this ends.

Normally, I would proclaim that he's worth the risk. But after this weekend, I'm just not sure. I'm not sure about anything.


Sarah said...

Twins! I had a freak out last week. I'm really glad some space and time was able to provide you some clarity as well. You are in good company. :)

k said...

i am currently freak out queen. once a week. it is pretty awesome. the thing is, i don't limit them to happening in private. no, i lose it right in front of him.

as unattractive as that might be, it at least gets a dialogue going. we can't read each others' minds. and i think that so often i end up disappointed and feeling broken up when my expectations aren't met - but i don't often vocalize those expectations so how can i expect others to know what they are.

of course, it makes you all sorts of vulnerable. but i think if we want to be in a real adult relationship that is actually going somewhere, we have to be vulnerable, as scary as it is.

anyway - that is more like a story about what i am currently going through, but i feel like i can relate to what you are struggling with and understand the crazy that is going on within your head!

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