Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Knowing where I'm going

I find adulthood to be overwhelming. I find it frustrating and confusing.

I am not good at being an adult.

That’s what I tell myself, anyway. That being an adult has not been easy for me and therefore will not be easy for me. Ever.

I tell myself that it will always be like this. That this is just how it is. That my whole life will be this whirlwind of decisions to make and mistakes to fix and tears to cry.

That any belief that the pieces will eventually fall into place – that there will be a time where I feel content and settled – is foolish. That I will always struggle. That I’ll always look at the lives of others – Lucy, who is so effortlessly happy, Liz, who knows what she wants and wrestles it into her clutches, Meg, who dreams big and achieves bigger – with a touch of envy.

I expect that I will always feel as unsettled as I do now. That I’ll always have this uncertainty – in my relationships, in my career, in my finances, in my future, in myself.

It’s a little sad, isn’t it? Pathetic, perhaps. Honest, however. At least I’m being honest.

And while I am being honest, I will admit this: I want to prove myself wrong.

I want to look around one day and observe a life that, while being far from perfect, feels like my own. Not like another transition. Not like a fight that I must win. Not a stage that must be tolerated.

I want to stop looking at the map long enough to pick up my head and appreciate the view.

I want to be content, not flawless.

I want to prove myself wrong.

I want to know where to start.


k said...

I think you need to give yourself a bit more credit girl! I think you've got it going on, you just need to realize and accept that. That is where you you need to start!

Heather said...

i think what you're forgetting is that it's a matter of perspective.

i know how it feels, too, to feel like everyone else is a grownup and soon you're going to be caught and grounded for playing pretend. because i live that every day. every night when i go to bed, it's with a shock that holy shit, today no one found me out. that they have no idea what i'm doing. that i'm in constant danger every other month of my utilities being terminated because i forget to pay the bills. if i didn't have exactly five pairs of work pants and a standing gossip date with the laundromat attendant, i'm pretty sure that i would often wake up and have no clothes to wear to work. (is that a valid reason to call out of work? "sorry guys, i'm calling in stupid and naked!") these kinds of things never seemed to be a problem for my mother or any other adults in my life. she is good at remembering to clean things on time. and i remember bills being mailed out monthly. why can't i get it together? logically, i know what i need to do. i am physically capable of doing it. but for some reason, i can't be bothered to do it. perhaps a therapist with a nice couch and loads of time could tell me why.

but this is how i feel, like i'm playing pretend, like some moment someone is going to catch me getting into something i shouldn't, and i'm gonna be in trooouuubblllleeeeee.

but then i read the internets while i am eating dinner, for the cat is not a very interesting conversationalist, and you seem to have your shit together in ways i envy. you've got a great commute. you've got a job you've wanted for a long time. you live with someone you enjoy, even if it means some short term discomfort in packing away some of your belongings, you've got a Coach, for whatever that's worth at the moment. you've got a fairly active social life, even if you don't think that soccer and hockey and such is a social life, it is compared to the cricket chirping that is my hermit-hole and my mounting pile of termination notices.

and i know; comparing my life to yours is pretty silly, because independently, we're both awesome. you are awesome. i am awesome. we are awesome in some similar and some very different ways, and there's nothing stopping me from going back to attending minor league hockey games and reconnecting with old familiar faces. there's nothing stopping me from finding a gentleman caller who may or may not be a coach but would definitely be an improvement over the electric mattress pad i presently use to warm the bed. because this is my life. i can mess it up however i want to. my path doesn't have to be A to B straight. neither does yours. some of the most interesting adventures i've ever had were ones i never planned on. most mistakes can be corrected, and most mistakes, properly softened through time's lens, can add depth and dimension and character to a life. they're healthy, to an extent.

you've got it far more together than you think you do. and the you you'll be in five years will look back and agree. start anywhere you want. pick something small, and start there. snowball your success forward. but you are already better at this then you think you are, and then you were once. this is apparently an uphill battle, so don't think that because you're feeling like a bad adult now that you'll never get it right. because honestly, not only do i think the secret is that there IS no right way (earth-shattering revelation for me), but i think that it's a definition that constantly shifts. except maybe when it comes to bill due dates. those seem to be pretty concrete from my experience.

you got this, yo. don't overthink it. put the map down and take things one day at a time for a while.

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