Thursday, October 06, 2011

Playing brave

You know how The Coach came into my life and I knew that he would inevitably leave it and then, as expected, he did and I crumbled? It was pretty awful.

After a few weeks of moping, I picked myself up and I brushed myself off and I put on my best impression of a girl who could handle the situation that I was in. A girl who could see that he was chasing dreams and who could accept that our relationship was only temporary and a girl who could be strong and brave and realistic.

It wasn’t who I was; it is who I pretended to be.

We said our goodbyes 8 weeks ago. Just this week, I have started to feel like I have finally given up the act. I have finally abandoned putting on the brave face. I am finally in the place where I need to be – where I know that he is busy being important and doing great things and where I can be happy that he has such a wonderful opportunity instead of quietly, selfishly wishing that he was here with me. Here with me where he would be miserable and sad and not excelling at doing what he loves.

I was holding on so tight – to him and to us and to what I thought that we should be and to how often I thought that we should talk and to how sad I thought that I should feel. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t function. All I could do was hold on. All of my energy was focused on maintaining a steady, enduring grip. And on putting on my brave face.

Maybe two months was what I needed. Maybe 8 weeks is what it takes my heart to let go. Maybe this week is just a fluke – maybe Monday will come and my heart will hurt worse than it did on the day that he left town.

I hope not.

I rather like this new normal. Where he can be a part of my world instead of the object around which it revolves.


Anonymous said...

I think that what you are going through is very normal. Some days are easier than others, and it will probably not be a perfectly linear ascent to where you want to be emotionally. Some days will be hard, some easy, many in-between, and eventually, the easy ones will outnumber the tough ones.

Just be kind to yourself, and keep the good stuff coming on your blog. ;)

Teagan B. Sawyer said...

Sometimes a girl just needs two months! Glad you are hanging in there and getting to your new normal. xo

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