Monday, October 24, 2011

Bobby pins

There is always a pile of books on my nightstand. Tissues and lip balm. The alarm clock that I never use. And two bobby pins that have been sitting there since August. Since the last day The Coach was over. We were talking – he in my bed while I stood beside it, absently pulling the bobby pins from my hair. I hooked them together before dropping them on the nightstand. And that is where they have remained.

I leave them there. Where I can see them every morning and every night. So I can remember that day when I tugged them from my hair and that man who watched as I did so.

Proof, in a way, that he was there. That we happened. That I am not living this entirely in my head. That the person on the other side of the phone is real.

I’ll leave them for four more weeks. I will remember for four more weeks.

And then I move.

I am excited – I really am – but I am nervous, too. About a lot of things. Nervous is part of my nature. What I am most nervous about, truthfully, is breaking the spell.

I am nervous that when The Coach comes back it won’t be the same. I will, physically, be in a new place. I’ll have a new bedspread. And those bobby pins will be tossed amongst all the others, no longer permitted to hold anything but my hair. Just another pair of bobby pins; purged of the memory.

When he comes back, there will be 17 weeks between us. 17 weeks since I dropped those bobby pins on my nightstand.

We’re more than halfway there. Mercifully, the time has passed quickly. Gratefully, I can say that we’re doing okay. Under the circumstances – complicated by every little thing that could possibly cause complications, it seems – we really are doing okay.

That’s all I want, really, when he comes home. For it to be 17 weeks and still okay. And 18 weeks. And 19 weeks.

When we reach 17 weeks - when he finally comes home - it will be 50 weeks since this all started. Nearly a year.

And I am attached.


Mrs. Architect said...

You are an amazing, AMAZING writer.

I feel every ounce of your emotions when I read this.

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