Thursday, October 27, 2011


I am having one of those days where I may or may not burst into tears at any second*, so we’re going to be employing the power of distraction

And talking about makeup.

Do some people have mothers who teach them how to wear makeup?

Because I did not. I had a mother who taught me how to sew. I had a mother who taught me to love reading. I had a mother who tutored me in the baking of cookies and the importance of education and the appeal of the classic and simple. But I did not have a mother who taught me how to apply makeup.

Or how to shave my legs.

Therefore, I consider it to be a minor miracle that my legs are not more scarred up and that I did not go through a phase where I was all blue eyeshadow and clumpy mascara and generally looked like a blind child prostitute.

When I was a freshman in high school, my grandma took me to the Clinique counter at the department store. She had worked in cosmetics at that very store for years and years and years. She let the ladies run wild. Powder and eyeshadow and mascara and blush and lipstick. Oh, how beautiful I felt on that random weekday afternoon when I just happened to be off of school and had soccer practice that night.

Grandma bought me blush and eyeshadow the day. Maybe powder, too. All I can ever remember wearing was the eyeshadow, a barely-there brown shade that you wouldn't notice if I applied it with a trowel.

Buying me makeup that was so subtle that you couldn't actually see it? Tricky, Grandma. Very tricky. (I have tucked this trickery away for use on my future daughters.)

When I was in college, I discovered the magic that is blush. I could go without mascara or eyeshadow or any lip color whatsoever. But blush and I? We're tight.

I would buy a best friends necklace for Benefit Dandelion. Or NARS Orgasm.

I still tend to lean towards the oh-wait-you-have-eye-makeup-on eye makeup which, while it keeps me from looking like I'm trolling for business when I stand on street corners, tends to feel pretty plain and pretty boring. Not that I want any of my makeup to be like HI, I'M WEARING MAKEUP but this is seriously minimal. Although I do always wear mascara (and am better off for it) and have recently figured out how to wear eyeliner and not look like I should be in a hair band.

And, when it comes to lip color, if it isn't a tinted lip balm then it probably isn't going on my face. Or, in a rare show of courage, it is going on my face for an average of 12 seconds. Until I furiously wipe it off while scolding myself for pretending to be a Real Grownup Lady.

I am not going to tell you how long into my life it took me to learn how to employ the magic that is a bobby pin. Or do anything with my hair that was not a ponytail. Just know that I was probably closer to 30 than I was to 20. And, by all means, feel free to laugh.

Just don't laugh at my eye makeup.

Or lack thereof.

*I was never like this until just before The Coach left. Now I cry, like, twice a week. Either his departure opened the floodgates to my soul or I am destined to be on an episode of I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant on TLC.


Thisisme said...

UGHH!! I know that feeling and it's soo not fun!! Sorry lady. I wish there was a magic pill for those damn emotions sometimes!!

And the makeup- I'm not laughing because I have the same story. I was lame-o makeup wearer. . .until I met LBS's mom. She's a makeup artist- and now I can properly apply the many aspects of face changers (;

and I uh, STILL don't know how to shave well. haha

Mrs. Architect said...

Regarding this whole subject of shaving your legs and fixing your hair and makeup: We. Could. Be. Twins.

I didnt even discover makeup until halfway through high school and that was thanks to a friend/summer camp. And it was all clinique and all barely there. (And heck, it was just this year that I mastered the whole wear-it-every-day thing.)

It wasn't until a few years ago I discovered eye liner, and after a couple months of the hairband look, I learned how to wear it properly, and have realized its importance in my life along with mascara. When I don't wear any = scary!

And anything that goes on my lips is ONLY chapstick or tinted gloss.

Heather said...

shaving i figured out pretty well. still continuously miss the same spots on my knees, though. stupid knees.

STILL HAVE NOT FIGURED OUT EYELINER. cannot. do. it. lipstick, that's easy. the smoky eye, i can fake it well enough. mascara, love it. blush ... not my thing. shine-free face? never going to happen. powders, foundations... got it. eyeliner continues to thwart me. i want to love it. i want to buy it a bff necklace and pass it notes in study hall about if it likes me circle one YES NO, but eyeliner won't even give me the time of day.

sigh. being a girl is hard.

Kari said...

I am with ya on the whole make-up, shaving and hair! Why is it that I have to coordination to use a dissecting microscope but when I apply makeup it looks like a 4 year old did it? Also hair accessories -- umm how do they work? I am seriously considering having the laser hair removal on my legs, as one of these days I will bleed to death!

my life is brilliant said...

I can handle shaving, most of the time. But I'm totally with you on the makeup thing. I wear mascara every day, but I feel like such a lost idiot when it comes to eye makeup and proper blush application. Sometimes I will look back at pictures and wonder why no one told me to wipe some of my blush off or that there was a weird spot of concealer I didn't blend worth crap.

And how do all these girls no such neat eye shadow tricks? I've just figured out that you can put a lighter shade on the inner half of your lids, and a darker shade on the outsides, then blend. That's pretty big for me. And if I'm feeling especially daring, I'll line underneath my eye with a darker shade. Whoa ...

I only figured out the Power of the Bobby Pin a year or so ago (yup, at age 27). I'm still not great with it, so sometimes it'll work, and others it just looks stupid. But so many girls know these great formal hairstyles, while my only options are half-back, all down, or ponytail. I haven't even figured out how to make a bun look like anything other than the way I keep my hair out of my face when I'm taking a quick shower.

Glad it's not just me!

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