Wednesday, September 28, 2011

The Coach and the reality

While I haven't written much about The Coach, he's still around.

I haven't written much about The Coach because it feels somewhat risky, a little bit dangerous. It feels like I am inflating him to all of you and inflating him to myself and, the higher I lift him up, the greater distance he's going to fall.

The Coach is not my boyfriend. There is no commitment. He owes me exactly what I owe him: absolutely nothing. I do think that it is best that way -- for us to have declared ourselves a couple when he was on the verge of moving would have been foolish and unrealistic and really, really hard.

Not that this is easy.

This is not easy.

There have been a couple of of really, really nice articles written about him recently. He emailed them to me and they made me cry.

We hit an enormous bump in the road a few weeks ago. He did something stupid. I felt like I was drowning. He understood why I was disappointed.

He adds new friends on Facebook - girls, of course, I notice the girls and when they live close to him it makes me a little sick.

There is this one place at work that, when I walk there, I can't help but think of him. It's just a simple walkway, lined with windows, but every time I am there I remember walking there one day this summer and getting a text message from him. Confirming that he would be over that night. And I got that text message and looked up and caught my own eyes in the reflection of the window and I looked so happy. That's what I think about when I am there. How much easier it was, and how much happier I was, when I could leave work with the knowledge that, when I got home, he would be there.

And now he's not.

I adore him. I absolutely adore him. I adore him and I miss him every single day. And somehow I have to remain cognizant of our status and our distance and the reality that plays before me, not the romantic comedy that I am writing in my head.


doahleigh said...

Ahh! I'm so frustrated for you! It seems so unfair. But I was wondering what was going on with The Coach, so I'm glad for an update. Hang in there...

Mrs. Architect said...

This breaks my heart. Life can be so unfair! But you don't know what the future holds...maybe a great one WITH him...or if its with someone else, it means it will be even better! HUGS SWEETIE!!!

ps: missed your blog, but followed you here and there via your twitter. :)

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