Monday, August 22, 2011

This is all very hypothetical

Colleen fell off the grid again.

I saw her once in May. I saw her once in June. She emailed me after I sent her a job posting in July, suggesting that we get together; I was all about that idea and told her so. She never responded.

I didn’t try again because I’m sick of trying again. Again and again and again. I’m sick of forcing her to be my friend. If she doesn’t want to see me, she doesn’t want to see me. I am not going to worry about it. I am not going to worry about her. I am not going to stay mad at her; holding a grudge takes too much energy. This is going to be exactly how she leaves it. I’m not cleaning up the mess.

It’s such a shame. Lucy is pregnant and she can’t even show her face. And I really, really could have used her – once one of my very best girlfriends – in the excruciating days between when The Coach took his job and when he finally moved out of town.

But she’s not that friend to me anymore and it’s probably silly that I continue to wish that she would snap out of it and revert to the friend who I loved so dearly.

Yet that is what I do. Continue to wish that my Colleen will return, though I am fairly certain that she will not. We get the mea culpa emails every so often – “I’ve been such a shitty friend and I know it” – and she shows her face once and disappears again. She’s not learning. She’s not changing. It’s pretty obvious that she doesn’t care whether I am or am not in her life.

Lucy still calls her every so often, so I get the occasional update.

Colleen claims that her boyfriend is proposing over Labor Day weekend. Although I’m not sure if I believe that it will actually happen (he’s promised a few outrageous things in the past): good for them.

Lucy and I think that it is pretty nice that we’ve been warned about this supposed impending proposal because we’ve been afforded the opportunity to properly prepare our reactions to the joyous news.

(You’re probably wondering why I think that I’m going to get a phone call about the big news despite spending almost no time with her over the last year. Simple: she doesn’t have any other friends.)

So, we’re preparing for The Call. Yes, of course we will congratulate her. Of course we will be happy for her.

We’re both living in fear that she’s going to ask us to stand up in the wedding. And will expect us to throw a shower and a bachelorette party and participate in every traditional wedding activity even though she can’t even return an email, let alone spend five minutes of time with us.

Since Colleen has no siblings and no other friends, if she decides to have bridesmaids in this wedding that is only hypothetical at this point, she will ask me to be one of them.

And if she asks me to be a bridesmaid I would say yes, of course. (I am a professional bridesmaid; I have been a bridesmaid for a girl who I wasn’t even friends with. How could I say no to someone who I was formerly very close friends with?) But I feel so WRONG even considering agreeing to be in her (hypothetical) wedding because she’s been such a shitty friend for an entire year.

I hope we don’t get to that point. I hope she doesn’t even ask me because I don’t want to deal with it.

But if she does, I will say yes. I will say yes for the girl who she used to be. For the friend who she was. And I think that I will tell her just that.


Kim said...

Wow. I cannot tell you how much I relate to this. But it sums up a situation I'm going through right now so perfectly.

Teagan B. Sawyer said...

You are such a great friend. It can be super frustrating having a friend like that. I still hold out hope she will realize in the future what a great treasure she has in friends like you guys.

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