Friday, August 26, 2011

They're hooked and they can't stop staring

When I was a freshman in high school, I played in a soccer tournament in Amsterdam. At this soccer tournament -- because it was a bunch of teams from a bunch of different countries and they wanted it to be special -- there was a skills challenge where one player from each team (selected by their coach) participated in a bunch of drills that were timed or otherwise quantified and scored.

I was my team’s representative. I have no idea how well I did or did not do. Which makes me fairly certain that I did not win. I would remember winning.

My mom was one of the chaperones at this tournament and she, as most mothers would, closely watched me compete in the skills contest.

Part of the competition required us to take penalty kicks. I remember that portion of the skills contest well. Bending over to place the ball before taking the kick. Wearing my red jersey and my white shorts.

Oh, those white shorts.

Never have I looked at white shorts the same way again.

Because, while walking out of the stadium that night, my mom turned to me and said “when you were taking the penalty kicks, there were two boys standing next to me talking about your BUTT.” And she attributed it to the white shorts.

The first known commentary on the junk in my trunk.

Random commentary on my not-huge-but-definitely-makes-its-presence-known backside continues to this day. Sometimes from my friends. Sometimes from my sister (who is also well-endowed in the bootie) or my mom (ditto) or my cousins (ditto). Sometimes from saleswomen. Sometimes from vulgar men in inappropriate places. And frequently – oh, so frequently – from a boy who I am rather fond of.

He’s an ass man.

And so I have heard – once or twice or 88 times – about how fabulous my backside is.

Therefore, since I have never had much of a problem with my butt, and since it has received more praise in the last four months than it has in the last 28 years: I am suddenly very aware of it.

I would like to say that it has made me more confident in my badonkadonk, but it has not. It has merely drawn my attention to it. And I think that I was happier when I didn't realize it was there.

My ass is perfectly fine. I know that. There are certain members of the opposite sex who appreciate it. I know that. There is a certain special member of the opposite sex who appreciates it and I know and appreciate that.

But I can't say that I see it and feel any sort of pride, awe or appreciation for what my momma gave me. (Sorry, Mom.)

My ass might have a fan club, but I am not a member.

Anybody else have a trait that they're often complimented on but absolutely cannot see what the big deal is or am I riding the crazy train all by myself?


doahleigh said...

My sisters all have much smaller boobs than me (all three of them are A's, I'm a D), and they always tell me I got the best chest in the family. My boobs are great, I like them, but a lot of times I wish they were smaller so I could fit into more things more easily! I don't think they realize what a pain larger boobs can be.

my life is brilliant said...

K is an ass man, which I find hilarious. My butt isn't flat, but it's definitely not an ass man's ass. I always figured I'd wind up with a leg man.

I used to always get compliments on my hair, back when it was ginormous. I was really self-conscious about it because I used to get tortured about it in junior high. Thank goodness for layers and good hair products, though, because my hair is smaller and more normal now ... but the compliments don't come as often. Weird.

Teagan B. Sawyer said...

How funny what people can be known for. I admit it is also my butt but mine is a more KimKardashianExplosion rather than Svelte Shapely Soccer/Runner Butt (there is a huge difference trust me). Go you! Especially if someone appreciates your ASSets ;) (bahahaha couldn't help myself). xo

Kim said...

I think everyone has those body parts. It takes some times to come to terms with them. I've always been told my eyes are beautiful but I never got it until recently. Just takes some perspective, I think. And that can be hard to come by.

Anonymous said...

It used to be my butt but then I lost 20 pounds and now it's gone. And Rob is a sad man. I have gotten compliments on my eyes over the years but eh, I hate my face.

I love the title of this post! :)

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