Friday, June 17, 2011

Finding my religion

I am not religious.

I wasn’t raised in a religious household. I have not been baptized. I don’t have my own bible, Koran or torah. I stammer when I’m asked what religion I am, because I do not have an answer and I do not have a religion and there is no proper term for my beliefs. If I have beliefs. And I’m not even sure that I do.

While I was a kid and through college and my earliest adult years, I was aware that I didn’t have a religion but I never truly noticed. It was a non issue. I didn’t think about it, just like I didn’t think about the shape of my nose or the color of the sky. It was what it was and always has been and wasn’t changing. It was a fact.

But then I got old. Or maybe just wise and thoughtful. And I have found myself, in recent years, thinking about religion more and more frequently. Wondering if I want one. Wondering how I’d find one. Trying to picture myself in different religious settings – whether I would be comfortable, if it would feel real and genuine, if I would feel like I was in a place where I belonged.

It cannot possibly be an easy process. There is so much out there. So much possibility. I don’t know where I would start or what I would want to try or how, honestly, I could ever decide. Would I ever know? Is there an organized religion that aligns with who I am and what I believe? I have my doubts. And fears. And reluctance to even try.

Maybe. Maybe one day. I’m getting there, I think. On my own terms, I hope. I want to do it because I’m ready. Not so I can get married in a certain church that happens to have really amazing architecture that would look awesome in our wedding photos. Or because something so awful happens that I need to find solace somewhere. Not for a guy. Not because it is the religion that my cousins practice. Not because I’m a certain age. Only because I want to and I’m ready and it fits. And not a second before.


Kari said...

You do have beliefs -- and you will find a religous affliation that is a good fit for you. I would suggest waiting until fall to begin the hunt for a "religous building" (aka church, etc) as most don't have full programs in summer. I would make a list of churches that you think you might like and go to different ones each Sunday. The ones you like, go back for round 2, then round 3. It may take a while to find one that fits...but that is part of the journey. Finding out if you like traditional or contemporary, sermons or rock concerts, etc. I still don't have a home church -- I go to different churches (same denomination)all the time. But it's more because I don't want to feel like I have to be super involved with the church (which once any of the churches put two and two together and realized who my grandmother was, I would be on every frickin' committee, etc!!)

Thisisme said...

I was just talking to my boyfriend about wanting a religion. I don't believe in god but I wish I did. . .I've thought about researching churches to see what fits but I'm nervous nothing ever will.

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