Tuesday, June 14, 2011

The Coach

The Coach is tall and I appreciate that about him. He's always quick to laugh and I adore that trait, too. His laugh is infectious and, when I think about him, I can hear that laugh so clearly. It's a good laugh.

His hair is sandy brown. The color that makes it apparent that he was a blond baby. He is the oldest of three. The only sibling who is not married. The only sibling who has no kids.

His birthday is in a few weeks.

He is adorable. When we still worked together, whenever my work nemesis mentioned The Coach in conversation he would always tack on "oh, he is just so cute," in a girlie voice because that is what he always heard females saying about The Coach. He is just so cute. He totally is.

Whatever it is that is going on with us - I hesitate to label it - has always had an expiration date. He was always supposed to leave at the end of the summer to go back to coaching. Location unknown; he only knew he was not returning to the college where he worked last year.

This is late. He should already know where he'll be living and coaching next year but he does not.

He thought he would be coaching in Alaska - ALASKA - but the position went to someone else late last month. When he told me about it he admitted that he was rattled. I was sympathetic, but I wish that I had been more so. All I could think about was the distance between here and Alaska.

He has mentioned the possibility of not having a coaching job at all. Which would complicate a lot of things. His career, for one. Us and our unspoken expiration date, for another. But it seems that fear has passed; he told me last night that he expects to know by the end of the week where he'll be coaching next year. I did not ask where. I was afraid that I would spend my night calculating time zones and distances.

And I shouldn't be calculating time zones and distances. This fun has an expiration date. And I am not his girlfriend.

He has a lengthy, ugly, albatross of a relationship hanging around his neck. One of those explosive, volatile relationships where the couple just shouldn't be together but neither of them are smart enough to realize it. This girl who has been around forever and they just break up and get back together and break up and get back together and break up and get back together. I don't ask him about it because I don't want to know. I especially don't want to know their on-off status over the last nine weeks. Does that make me awful or does that just make me stupid?

If my past history is any indicator, this whole thing should make me a mess. And I should be checking my phone every five minutes and I should be running out to buy a new outfit every time I think that I will see him and I should definitely be writing about minute events in excruciating detail and begging for analysis.

But I'm not a mess. I adore him plenty. And ideally, it would be more than what it is. But I don't want to get caught up in that. I don't want to wish too hard. I don't want to hope too hard. I don't want to forget the expiration date.

I am taking this one day at a time and washing it down with a healthy dose of realism and hoping that, at the end of this, my heart hasn't been completely broken.


LLandL said...

it's great to finally hear a bit more on the coach, but oh, what an uncomfortable situation. i'm so glad you've found someone that you like and have fun with and i hope that you'll get a good resolution. isn't it annoying that we can't help what our hearts want? in the meantime, have fun!

Paul Michael Peters said...

I write this with no ill will, but you see the conflict and irony of this, don't you?

As great a guy as he is, as wonderful as he makes you feel, you are still the other woman.

With all that you have been through in the last year with your family, are you really up for inflicting that kind of pain on another person? Even if his girlfriend/potential wife(?) is an albatross or not the best person for him, do you want to be that reckless with another persons heart?

I will never know the full details of this, or what makes the heart a hunter, but maybe it is for the best if you two move on.

A said...

Have I seen the irony in this? Of course, of course. Absolutely. All the time.

He isn't actively with her right now - I just read over what I wrote and I certainly didn't make that very clear at all. Simply knowing of her and of their on/off situation and the length and the nature of their relationship makes it really hard to feel like they’re “off” when they’re “off,” you know? Like, it is always subject to change. And, until one of them figures it out, “off” will always lead back to “on.” And I guess that’s what I’m looking over my shoulder for – the two of them hitting the “on” switch again.

But I would be lying if I didn't admit to still feeling a bit like the other woman despite their current status.

Anonymous said...

maybe you are all that she isn't and a breath of fresh air for him. i think that many/most relationships that are on again off again ultimately aren't right or don't work. maybe your current casualness about the situation is what is making it work. that is not to say that it is or has to stay casual forever, bc often something casual turns into something serious as you get to know one another better. i say continue on and fingers crossed for a job near you!

Kari said...

I'm proud of you for going with the flow! As for being the other women -- I wouldn't agree. I would say that if they have broken up that much, really they don't have a relationship.
What's meant to happen will happen and hopefully a coaching job close by opens up.

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