Wednesday, September 08, 2010

Secret's out

He told her.

Last night. After work. He told her. I don't know what he told her. I don't know how much he told her. All I know is that he sent Meg a confirmation text after he did it. "I did it. She won't talk. It's over."

Meg relayed the message.

I left from soccer immediately and drove home. Frantically. All I wanted was to see my mom. To look at her with my own eyes and know that she wasn't collapsing. I needed to know that she was okay.

I stormed into the house, my face already red and tear stained.

She was in the kitchen, standing at the counter, sorting through some papers for work. Her eyes were red but she was not crying. She was standing upright, not curled onto the floor in the fetal position. But for my urgent entrance, the house was eerily quiet. The news was not playing on the television. There was nothing being cooked on the stove. The dogs didn't bark. There was nobody typing on the computer in the next room.

"Are you okay, Mommy?" I'm not sure that the question was fully out of my mouth before I was crying. Sobbing, actually. Harder than I can ever remember crying. I went to my mom to give her a hug but, really, she was the one who hugged me. As I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. My legs were shaking. My teeth chattered as I gasped for breath. She was wearing a tank top and I drenched her shoulder, leaving it drippy and slippery from my uncontrollable flood of tears.

I apologized. Over and over and over I apologized. "I'm so sorry," I told her. "I didn't want to find anything, Mom. I'm sorry."

And I begged her. "Please, Mom. Please try. Try to work it out, Mom. Please." I've never begged like that before, with such desparation. I never knew I could feel like that. Ready to bargain absolutely anything in order to meet my demands. "Promise me, Mom. Promise me that you'll try."

She never did.

"We'll see what happens," was all that she said. It wasn't long after I arrived. It was before I asked. It was before I begged. I presumed that the statement was regarding her marriage.

I asked her. I begged her. All I wanted was for her to say that she would try.
She never did.

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

Glad (?) the secrets out of the bag, and u finally got ur mama. One question...and don't think I'm being an ass, but why on earth would you want your mom to stay with a man who has blatenly disrespected and disgraced her so? Your mom sounds like a strong woman who can stand on her own, plus she's got 2 wonderful children to help her...
-betsy

Kari said...

How are you today? Am hoping you got some sleep last night...
lots and lots of hugs.

Kari

Anonymous said...

That's such a tough situation. Just remember your mom's human too. I know it was an emotional outburst but it's pretty unfair to ask her to "stay together for the kids", especially when her kids are almost 30. I wish you all the best.

Lauren said...

Thinking of you, and hoping that you're okay. I'm glad that you and your sister have each other to lean on through this. However, I have to agree with Anonymous: when the kids are totally grown, it's pretty selfish to ask your parents to stay together for the kids if at the end of the day they're not happy, or willing to work through it.

I hope that once your mom gets over the shock she and your dad decide to try to work through it with some counseling. Keeping you all in my prayers, and hoping for the best.

doahleigh said...

Give her time. This news, I'm sure, is a shock to the system and she has no idea how she wants to react yet. With time she may decide to try, but she can't make promises before she's processed the whole fucking mess.

My dad cheated on my mom many many years ago, when I was a child. I didn't comprehend it then, but I realize now how demoralizing that is. How devastating. They split up, which was best for them, but it doesn't always have to happen that way. It can work out, but your mom needs to do what's best for her, no matter what that is.

A said...

Yeah. It was selfish. I'll own that.

I've spent my entire life with everyone around me marveling at their marriage. Maybe what they were marveling at was smoke and mirrors, but I always saw it as pretty real, too. And...if I haven't been seeing or feeling things for the last 27 years, it has to be worth fighting for once the smoke has cleared.

Also - reminding me that I'm almost 30 is NOT helping things, haters! hahaha.

Goldilocks said...

No one is perfect. We are all human. All subject to faults and errs. It sucks most when you realize that about the people you look up to.

I have learned so much from my parents and their failed marriage. BIG, GREAT lessons. It will take a while, maybe years, but learn from it. If that's the onlt thing you can find positive in it - at least its something.

Big hugs. I'm so so sorry. Life is probably going to suck for a LONG time, and I hate that for you. HUGS!!!!!

Anonymous said...

It only takes an instant to destroy a lifetime of dreams. No matter how "real" it was or seemed, she owes him nothing now. Counseling would be great, but if she's not interested in trying, you need to find a way to come to terms with that.

Please don't make your mother feel pressured into making a choice she's not ready to make. She needs your support now more than ever, and any inkling that you are not behind her can really do a number on her psyche and your future relationship.

I'm sure all things will work out as they should, no matter what happens. Take care.

my life is brilliant said...

I can understand you feeling the way you did. I think that's a natural way to feel. As long as our parents treat each other with respect and love, we want them to stay together.

I think you should let your mom know that you're OK with and behind her in whatever decision she makes. Obviously you don't know what's going to happen, and it's really not up to you, but I'm sure it'll help your mom to know she has your support.

My parents stayed together after my mom cheated. It was several years later when they finally got a divorce -- like almost a decade. And for the record, no one ever marveled at my parents' marriage. No one but my mom was shocked when my dad had had enough of her crap.

It sounds like what your parents had before was great. I hope that gets them through this and to a place where they can be great again.

I'm still thinking about you guys! *hugs

Anonymous said...

I agree with so many of the points raised in the comments above. I think I understand where your "selfishness" comes from, but I do hope that (and think that you will) support your mother regardless of what decisions she makes. I can only assume that right now she is experiencing a world of emotions and doesn't know what is going to happen - but I think that the strength and support of you and your sister will be invaluable to her.

I have known couples that have stayed together after infidelity and those that have split up as well. I don't think that you have any say on what happens here, and you just have to have faith that whatever is best for your parents will happen (even if it means that your "perfect" family is no longer).

A gentle suggestion - it might be good to look into some sort of counseling/theraphy to help you deal with this. It is obviously, and understandably, rocking your world. I think that just about everyone could benefit from some sort of theraphy - and for you, it could really help you process your feelings, and just have someone to talk to. As great as all your readers (myself included) are - we aren't professionals. (Previous sentence is not trying to imply that we don't want to hear about it anymore on your blog!)

Lots of hugs!

girl from florida said...

Holy freaking crap. I am catching up on my blog reading and just read up on this whole situation and I feel absolutely sick to my stomach. I am so, so, so, so sorry. This is awful. I wish I could be there to cook you a great big meal and just listen. As for your anonymous comments, I KNOW you and I know you would be there for your mom no matter what her decision is. I hope your dad is doing some serious self-evaluation (and has COMPLETELY cut off ties with this hoochie bitch, although it sounds like you aren't very sure if he has?). I am so sorry :(

girl from florida said...

PS. K had a great point- some counseling/therapy may help you during this awful time- there is NOTHING wrong with that!!! I am 1000% pro-therapy, it's helped me out a few times in my life.

 
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