Friday, September 10, 2010

I don't know much of anything

I don’t know if I should go home at all this weekend or if I should keep my distance.

I don’t know why I just don’t ask if the ‘rents want me to stop by or if they’d rather have a weekend of solitude, except that it would be awkward and difficult and I’m just really tired of dealing with awkward and difficult things.

I don’t know anything about fantasy football, yet I have teams in two different leagues.

I don’t know if I should pick up The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet’s Nest where I left off (about halfway through) when all of this family stuff exploded or if I should just start over.

I don’t know if I should tell my aunts/cousins/family why my mom isn’t attending this weekend’s birthday festivities or direct them to ask my dad why she isn’t there or just make up some story to save face.

I don’t know why I would even consider telling other family members about all of this crap without the consent of my mom and dad. I wouldn’t. When this all went down, I so wanted to call Anna (who had dealt with enough of her own crap) or Liz (who has been in France for the last two weeks) and I’m quite glad that I did not.

I don’t know what color to choose for my new car.

I don’t know if I want my dad to accompany me to the dealership when I’m negotiating my new lease because, while he works in the industry and obviously knows way more about this stuff than I do, I’m really not sure I feel like dealing with it.

I don’t know how I’m going to make it through my workday after a Thursday that went a little something like this: 7:30 am-2:30 pm work, 3:00 pm-9:00 pm work, 10:00-11:00 pm hockey, 11:30 pm-12:15 am ramen-eating-and-email-checking.

I don’t know if I should call home every night (which, typically, is what I do) or if I should just wait for Mom to call me when she wants to talk because, well, the 80 seconds I was on the phone with her yesterday really wasn’t pleasant and didn’t seem all that beneficial to either of us and was mostly awful and made me feel like crap.

I don’t know for sure, but I think my heart is a little broken.

2 comments:

Bill Robertson said...

i wish i knew some magic words to make you feel better, but i don't. just know that a lot of people care about you and your family and we all are pulling for you and will do anything we can to support you.

Anonymous said...

One day last year my friend said something to me about how I had life all figured out and therefore I just didn't understand how she felt (she was in the middle of some "crisis" or something). I was quick to replay that I certainly didn't have it all figured out. I just tried to stay positive, live life one day at a time, and believe that it would all work out in the end.

Even though all our circumstances are different, I think a lot of people are like you (myself included) and don't know much. Hopefully thinking of it like that makes it a little less hard.

 
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