Monday, July 05, 2010

I'm coming slow but speeding

I'm not much of a crier. Normally. I guess that the last two days have been an exception. After crying on my way home yesterday, I didn't think that I'd be crying on my drive home tonight, too.

I'm sick, still, which is a convenient excuse for being so easily bruised and battered. I don't have a lot of fight in me.

When I blogged yesterday, I wasn't looking for sympathy. I was just looking for a place to get out what I had been holding in all day. I needed to type what I wouldn't say. I needed to put all of my feelings surrounding that day to rest. I just wanted to let it go. I wasn't writing for readers. I wasn't writing for response.

Of course, when you choose to throw your business out into cyberspace as I do, you don't get a lot of control over the reactions to what you write. Sometimes the things that I write slip under the surface without a splash. Sometimes there are waves. Small waves, sure - this is not a MegaBlog with readership in the thousands - but waves nonetheless. It's all relative, right?

I should probably make it clear that I welcome this. I welcome all of this. I'm okay with being questioned, you guys. If you feel the need to call me out on something? Do it. There isn't anything wrong with this. I am rattled, yes. But I am provoked to examine my life with

I am not content with who I am. I don't ever expect to be. It isn't in my nature. I will always want to be better. Some changes (a fitness goal, for example. Hell, even grad school, if you're comparing it to an enormous task like changing your entire personality) are going to come a lot easier than others.

I take a little bit of an issue with the suggestion that I am stagnant. That I talk, but do not act. No, I am not moving mountains. I am not dying my hair and quitting my job and reinventing myself. Have I changed for the better since I started this blog? Absolutely.

That girl who ran back to Colin over and over and over? That girl who waited for his phone calls? Who waited for him to want to see her? Who waited years for him to realize how important she was to him? Who took years to realize that he never would? She is in me, yes. Part of me will always want to sit back and wait to be noticed. To wait for the boy to approach me. To sit at home and create perfectly legitimate excuses for why he's not calling.

When I started this blog, I couldn't go to the bar. I couldn't drink. I was tied down so tightly that I couldn't bear to let one drink come between me and my sense of control.

When I started this blog, I never would've stood up to a cab driver who doubled his fees just because he took me for a stupid tourist. I would've paid the fare and tipped him handsomly on top of it. Just to avoid the confrontation.

So, while it may seem that I am a hamster running on a wheel, I am moving. I am progressing. I am changing. The rate may be maddeningly slow. But, if you look closely, there is movement.

Do what you want. See what you want. But I am going to appreciate that movement. I am going to celebrate that movement. And I'm going to work towards more.

I am always going to work towards more.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

First, it sucks to have people gang up on you and pick on you – especially people that you really love. They were without a doubt being rude and inappropriate.
When it comes down to it, you need to be true to yourself. Screw what your sister says (which I acknowledge is easier said than done) – did you have fun? Could you have had more fun? If you (not your sister) could have had more fun – then use this realization to help you as you work towards being who you want to be (I am assuming that fun and happy go together and you want to be happy). If there is any truth to your sister’s comments – embrace them (well not the part about being drunk all the time and letting her make out with random men) as things to work on without thinking of them as something that took away from your trip. And if you did have all the fun that you could have had, then congrats to you, because I don’t doubt that you had to overcome a lot of personal boundaries on your trip! Congrats regardless, because I am sure that there were countless times over the two weeks that you did push your boundaries, even if it wasn’t 24-7.
Hugs! And I can’t wait to see pictures and hear stories!

Anonymous said...

First, it sucks to have people gang up on you and pick on you – especially people that you really love. They were without a doubt being rude and inappropriate.
When it comes down to it, you need to be true to yourself. Screw what your sister says (which I acknowledge is easier said than done) – did you have fun? Could you have had more fun? If you (not your sister) could have had more fun – then use this realization to help you as you work towards being who you want to be (I am assuming that fun and happy go together and you want to be happy). If there is any truth to your sister’s comments – embrace them (well not the part about being drunk all the time and letting her make out with random men) as things to work on without thinking of them as something that took away from your trip. And if you did have all the fun that you could have had, then congrats to you, because I don’t doubt that you had to overcome a lot of personal boundaries on your trip! Congrats regardless, because I am sure that there were countless times over the two weeks that you did push your boundaries, even if it wasn’t 24-7.
Hugs! And I can’t wait to see pictures and hear stories!

Kari said...

Go Orange (my shameful family history of being faithful servants of William of Orange is coming out, maybe we should have kept those pretty purple velvet suits that G.Gramma had in teh closet!). Question -- what does it say if they win the WC in SA? Is all of Africa cheering against them? Who do you think will win tomorrow??

my life is brilliant said...

I think you're doing great! You ARE great.

I can't see the comments in response to your last post, but I completely understand where you're coming from. Completely.

And you're NOT the Fun Police!

 
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