Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Questions. No answers.

I'm sabotaging this, you guys.

Luke is a saint. And I'm trying to ruin this.

I know that this makes no sense. Knowing that you're doing something - something that isn't in your best interest - but doing it anyway. Like pushing away the best guy of all of the guys who have ever shown even a sliver of interest in you. Who is the best of the lot BY FAR.

I can't articulate my problem.

I don't know my problem. I don't know the solution.

Just after The Groomsman pulled the plug on our...well, it was never our anything.

Let me rephrase.

Ahem.

Just after The Groomsman decided that we should not date anymore, I started considering therapy. (Reconsidering therapy, technically.)

For a lot of reasons. Family and work and growing up and grief and insecurity and perfectionism. And because I suspected that one of the reasons that The Groomsman never felt a "spark" was because I refused to let one develop. I wanted nobody more than I wanted him, yet I consciously kept him out. My walls stayed up.

I'm doing it again.

Except Luke is trying harder.

And I'm resisting harder.

I don't know how to fix me. I don't know how to trust him. I can't convince myself that this is okay.

It might be time to find someone with the answers. Or someone who can help me find them.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

I put my comment (novel) in an email and sent it to you. :)

OC said...

I've found therapy, at various points of my life, to be very helpful. Because sometimes life does get tough and you need a little help along the way.

It can't hurt.

Lauren said...

Therapy can be helpful.

I think, that whatever you decide to do in this situation with Luke, just remember how you've felt each time you've been confronted with someone you've dated that didn't like you as much, and how it felt when they let you down, ignored, or otherwise weren't nice. If you decide to let one of the few good ones pass, don't leave him jaded when you walk away; so that when he finds the woman that recognizes that she deserves to be treated right, he's not too hurt to make the leap.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but I've met so many good guys out there...or at least they WERE good guys until someone out there left them jaded...

Take a step back, and a BIG, deep breath...open your heart and give him a chance. If you don't let him in, how can you ever say that you tried? Relationships are scary and hard.

By not letting him in, you're batting 0. Wouldn't you like to see what batting 1000 feels like?

Anonymous said...

Hey-o,

I basically love your blog. Here's my opinion... I kind of disagree with all this. I've made the mistake of getting involved with guys who were way more interested in me than I in them. Yes, a guy can be good to you, but if you're not into it, it's still not going to go anywhere. You deserve it all.

At the same time, it seems like it's a habit of yours to push guys away? So maybe it is wise to give him a chance.

And I'm totally in favor of therapy. It helps to have a neutral person help you work your way to your answers...

Anonymous said...

Oooh, I had thought the teasing was a good sign that you were giving in. Guess I was wrong there... I think that therapy can be great (never been myself - just have considered it - but many friends have really liked it). I also think (hope) that when you find the right one, you know it!

Anonymous said...

Oooh, I had thought the teasing was a good sign that you were giving in. Guess I was wrong there... I think that therapy can be great (never been myself - just have considered it - but many friends have really liked it). I also think (hope) that when you find the right one, you know it!

 
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