Tuesday, March 16, 2010

I'm sorry. I know I'm overthinking this.

I did end up cancelling my date on Friday night and, yes, I am a shit. Instead of going on a date with Luke, I went to Mom and Dad’s and ate Chinese food and blogged, while looking and feeling like a complete trainwreck.

I rescheduled with The Luke for last night. I, being high maintenance, completely hijacked his plans and turned “I was thinking dinner and a movie?” into “meet me in This City at This Restaurant and we’ll see a film at This Theater because they have seats made of memory foam and the eyelashes of kittens.”

Yeah. So he might think that I’m a little pushy.

Because maybe I am a little pushy.

Which: whatever. It was only for our own good. And I let him pick out the movie.

So, the evening was good and I was out too late and the choice of city/restaurant/theater was spot on (I = genius). I definitely like him when I’m with him. And, when I’m not, I psych myself out and question everything and anything and, especially, my feelings.

I don’t want to lead him on.
I don’t want to miss out on someone who is unquestionably nice and totally decent and has potential despite the fact that I am not currently paralyzed by lust.
I don’t want to make a decision one way or the other so maybe I just won’t.

Somewhat Related Observation: Luke seems to have this fascination with my personality, which perplexes me a little bit. Okay, so I’m a little sarcastic and my sense of humor is bone dry. We’ve covered this. Stop commenting on it EVERYBLOODYTIME because, hi, it requires you to comment on my sarcastic every four minutes. Plus it makes me slightly self-conscious. Like, are you just patiently waiting for me to get my Full Bitch on? Because I don’t actually think that I have Full Bitch potential. But maybe I do. And I’m just such a bitch that I don’t even realize it.

I’m holding my cards pretty damn close to my chest. He is not. It makes me nervous, how much he puts it out there. Like, I’m certainly fine with you thinking that I am nearly perfect but don’t tell me? Because I don’t know what to do with that information. Except completely fucking freak out because I’m afraid that I don’t like you enough and that the current his like: her like ratio is too imbalanced for this to ever work and, somehow, I’ll end up hurt because that is what happens when I interact with males. I get hurt. Even by ones who might like me more than I like them.

3 comments:

aahager said...

I don’t want to lead him on.
I don’t want to miss out on someone who is unquestionably nice and totally decent and has potential despite the fact that I am not currently paralyzed by lust.
I don’t want to make a decision one way or the other so maybe I just won’t.

You took the words right out of my mouth! I am going through the same thing and feel exactly what you said above.

my life is brilliant said...

Interesting. Just because this relationship is easier for you doesn't mean it's bad. :)

1) Do you like his personality?
2) Do you have fun when you're with him?
3) Is there some sort of chemistry/attraction there?

I think you're doing right by not trying to push yourself into liking him. Just because it isn't instant fire doesn't mean there's no spark. But then again, just because he's nice doesn't mean you have to marry him.

No matter what, we can't fault the guy for having great taste! ;)

Accidentally Me said...

My Life is right!!!

And you can feel free to good-naturedly tell him when things bug you. "Stop talking about my sarcasm or I am puting it away!"

I actually like that you feel good about calling the shots on what you do and whatnot. It shows that you are already pretty comfortable in yourself around him.

 
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