Monday, March 22, 2010

Fresh, new, different

I don't do this. I don't engineer a Saturday night with my girlfriend specifically to discuss my relationship with a boy. If he's important, they'll know that he exists. But we don't analyze it. I don't recite conversations. We don't try to delve into the male mind. We don't scrutinize. I don't attempt to voice my feelings.

I keep that in. And then vomit it up all over the internet. (Blogging is the best, no?)

I don't do this. I don't tell my mother that a boy sent me flowers at work. I don't let her get excited about things like this. I don't let her hopes get as high as, sometimes, I allow mine to get. Because they do. She does. She gets excited. She claps her hands and exclaims "I'm going to have grandbabies!"

"I think the flowers were good, honey. He is putting his intentions right out there."

And then she tells my dad. Who asks, randomly, "has he ever been married?"

I've never asked.

I don't do this. I don't tell my coworkers if I am or if I am not dating someone. I'm not trying to be secretive. I am trying to protect myself. Because, with as giddy as I am at the beginning, I can be equally crushed at the end. I don't want to explain why I don't talk to him anymore. I don't want to admit the failure.

But the flowers, delivered to my desk, they announce. They scream my secrets. They force me to admit a truth. It isn't a truth that I am embarrassed by. It is a truth that humbles me. That I don't quite understand. That I feel a little unworthy of.

I don't do this.

I don't date boys who are really, really into me.

I don't tell everyone.

I don't admit that I'm scared at how quickly it is moving.

I don't get flowers at my desk.

I've never been on this road before. It's unfamiliar. So far, though, I like the scenery. And the road is smooth.

4 comments:

Kari said...

This is good! Glad you are doing a lot of things that you don't normally do! Even if you decide you aren't into the boy, the boy will have been good for you!

Kari

Anonymous said...

Have fun with it chicadee!! :) New is GOOD. xoxo, GFF

Kari said...

I'm hoping the boy sends you one of these...https://secure.sendaball.com
I think they are hilarious and perfect at the same time!

Kari

Mrs. Architect said...

Different is good!

And in this case, sounds very very good!

 
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