Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Attempting to go green

When I think of St. Patrick’s Day, I think of the awful Saturday evening I let Colin walk all over me. I think of how heavy and sad I was that night, watching him from across the room. Pretending that we were cool when we weren’t.

(The disappointment of that evening produced one of my favorite posts.)

I should have known then.

Correction: I should have known way, way before then. But I didn’t. And I continued to let him rough up my heart after that day. Why is that? Was my self-esteem really that low? Was I really that stupid?

I haven’t celebrated St. Patrick’s Day since that awful one with (well, actually, mostly without) Colin. I don’t care. I turn my nose up at the mention of the “holiday.” It reminds me of feeling insignificant. I’d rather stay home.

Luke has been asking me to stop by the bar he’ll be at tonight. Heather sent me a text message a few hours ago asking if I’d meet her out somewhere. I haven’t been to bed before midnight tonight. I want – I need – to go to yoga. I don’t even own anything green.

You know what?

Fuck it.

The lack of sleep. The yoga class. The green that is missing from my wardrobe.

I’m going out. To Colin’s favorite bar, of all places. And then I’m meeting a boy who I’m not sure about because I can.

I hate St. Patrick’s Day.

But maybe tonight will change that.


Anonymous said...

YES! I was hoping this post would end the way it did. You go and you have fun! And I'll be sitting in class not paying attention. :)

Accidentally Me said...

You obviously drank too much, so you are now obviously overtired and youobviously don't wanna be working.

So, maybe you should be gchatting? I am just saying...

Kari said...

What about the recap -- we can all see that you just had flowers sent to you at work -- we need details :))

Mrs. Architect said...

The last sentence made me smile SO big!! SO excited for details!!

Anonymous said...

Yay! How did it go? Flowers... do tell!

I hear you on not knowing how you could ever let someone walk all over you like that. We live, we learn. Or so I hope!

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