Saturday, January 30, 2010

What a difference a day makes

I woke up before my alarm clock went off this morning. My down comforter was tucked underneath my chin and the sun – a rare visitor in a Michigan winter – was streaming in at the edges of the window shade. There was a blissful four or five seconds where everything was perfect. The halcyon of sleep still fogging my mind.

Everything was okay.

I sat up. My memory kicked in. The ache in my heart returned. I remembered. Yesterday was a bad day. I fell asleep terribly sad.

Last night was hard.

I had been repressing all day. When I read The Groomsman’s email, I didn’t cry. I closed the window. I shook my head. Scolded myself. I should have known. I blogged – I needed to get it out there – and I went on with my day. I was undoubtedly bummed. I felt it in my stomach, so knotted that I couldn’t eat all day. I felt it in my head – cloudy, stubborn, slow. But I held myself together through the workday. I was sad and I was efficient.

And I cried the second I got into my car. A big, ugly cry. Splotchy and tear stained. Mascara everywhere. I got home and I blogged it out. I forced myself to eat dinner. Forced myself to clean up. Make myself presentable. Fake it.

I had plans with Lucy and Colleen and Chet – plans that had once included The Groomsman – and I wasn’t going to cancel on account of a silly boy who made a mistake that he will eventually regret.

The night was largely unpleasant. I felt as though I was communicating through a closed, dirty window. Everything was distorted and hard for me to understand. I was there and I wasn’t.

It wasn’t fun. Nothing about it was. Spending time with people who would never reject me, and all I could think about was the one who did. The boy who determined that I was not good enough.

It was a hard night.

I went home. Hours and hours after I wanted to go home.

I went to bed sad. Pathetic, small, disappointed sad. Heavy sad. Judgmental sad. Taunting, intense, mean sad.

But that is not how I woke up. I work up remembering how awful I felt yesterday and determined not to feel the same way today.

Because today is a new day.

Because The Groomsman is just one boy.


Anonymous said...

Even though you might not feel like it now, you're an incredibly strong person. Most people wouldn't have even gone out and just stayed home to wallow. Your attitude about it is amazing and, even if you're faking it for now, you'll eventually really feel it.

my life is brilliant said...

Totally agree with Anonymous. Glad you're feeling better today.

Keep being awesome!

Mrs. Architect said...

Glad you're feeling better. Remember, its normal to be sad and pissed and all those other crappy emotions after something like this. You SHOULD cry. You SHOULD be pissed. That's all part of being human, especially a girl.

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