Friday, January 29, 2010

Different

Could anyone possibly feel as stupid as I feel at this very second? I am doubtful.

I am doubtful and I am sick to my stomach.

I should have known better. I should have seen through it. I should have taken hints. Moved with calculation. Tried harder. Straightened my hair more often. Put out. Bought new jeans. Never told him about Aunt Marie’s death. Ate more at dinner. Been more bubbly. Invited him in. Wore more makeup. Let him lead. Waited to introduce him to Lucy and Colleen. Told him less about my family. Acknowledged my instincts and done the exact opposite. Been a completely different person.

A completely different person.

I just hope that the girl that he needed me to be wasn’t the girl who I was on November 16. Before I found out that Aunt Marie was dead. Before the weight loss. When I didn’t replay the closing of her casket every. damn. time. I close my eyes. When my pants fit. When I felt like myself. When I wasn't a regular witness to the unraveling of my family. When these weights weren't on my shoulders. When my heart wasn't so full of sad. Before this haze of mourning settled in around me.

Maybe things between him and that girl who I was on November 16 wouldn't have worked out, either. I don't know. I won't ever know. All I know is that he didn't feel a spark. And that I don't feel like myself. Perhaps there is a connection. Perhaps I am just looking for something to blame.

I didn’t want it to end like this. As gentle as he may have been in his email. (Side note: A FUCKING EMAIL. OMG, GROW SOME BALLS.) As kind as it was that he didn’t string me along. Even though a sliver of me is na├»ve enough to believe that we can be friends. I didn’t want it to end like this. With me shocked. Unprepared. And feeling like less than nothing.

6 comments:

my life is brilliant said...

Don't be so hard on yourself! You're amazing, and you didn't do anything -- ANYTHING -- wrong. You are dealing with some pretty tough stuff, but you're still the same person.

I don't know why he didn't feel a spark, but it doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. Or your hair. Or your pants.

Cry a little (or a lot, if you feel like it). Eat a little bit of chocolate. Have a little wine. Hang out with your girls. And by all means, listen to Alanis's Jagged Little Pill. Particularly Track 2. Not because it applies to your situation (since it doesn't), but because it's a damn good breakup song.

You're awesome. And don't you dare let yourself think for a second that you aren't!

Susan said...

Hey A! I am in complete agreement with everything in the comment above (except maybe listening to Alannis). There is NOTHING wrong with you!

I'm sorry things didn't work out. They will someday. Till then know that people who have never met you and have been witness to your ups and downs on here think you are INCREDIBLE. Chin up!

Anonymous said...

Don't think it was something you didn't do or something you weren't. Someone should (and will) love for exactly what you are.

If you lived in Seattle I would have brought you on girls weekend this weekend - where we forgot about life for awhile and just focused on the "right now" which included beer, wine, chili and Phase 10.

Anonymous said...

Don't think it was something you didn't do or something you weren't. Someone should (and will) love for exactly what you are.

If you lived in Seattle I would have brought you on girls weekend this weekend - where we forgot about life for awhile and just focused on the "right now" which included beer, wine, chili and Phase 10.

Mrs. Architect said...

Ugh, I agree!! GROW SOME BALLS!!!

Good thing you found this out when you did...hello, you need a guy WITH balls.

Prick.

Mrs. Architect said...

Oh, and I'm SURE it doesnt have anything to do with the whole situation surrounding aunt marie.

And really, life is all about ups and downs, so no matter who you are with, they will eventually see you go through a down, and they need to be strong enough and love you enough to endure those times too. We don't live in candyland.

 
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