Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Cut into thirds

Part of me: wants that conversation. Even though I will be awkward and shy and inarticulate, I want that conversation. I want to know what we’re doing. How he sees me. How we will proceed.

I want a definition.

I want him to know that I’m not seeing anyone else. That I’m not interested in seeing anyone else. That I want to spend more time with him. That I’m all in, if that is what he wants from me.

My gut tells me that it is what he wants from me. I have a feeling that we’re on the same page. But I don’t know. I can’t know. We haven’t had the conversation. That’s why we need to have it.

All I know is that there was a moment on our first or our second date where I looked at him sitting across the table from me, knowing that I wanted him to be in my life – somehow. I like him. He’s cool. He’s fun. I want to be his friend. I want to be more than his friend, obviously. But I hope that we can at least be friends.

I don’t see how being friends – if that is all we ever amount to – would ever be possible if we don’t define this now. Should we keep things the status quo, not define what we are, I’m going to keep falling. Falling for someone who isn’t going to catch me will hurt. Bruises on my heart stay tender for a long, long time.

I can’t stay here indefinitely, teetering on the edge of this cliff.

I’m not scared of the conversation.

I’m scared to start it.

Part of me: would just like to avoid this conversation entirely because my ignorance has been nothing but blissful to this point.

Part of me: is certain that I won’t ever hear from him again so this is all a moot point.


my life is brilliant said...

I don't know what you guys do in Michigan, but in Oklahoma (and Texas ... and Virginia), we don't make out with our friends. ;)

So much of your comments about this relationship remind me of things that happened when K and I were just starting out.

If you decide to start the conversation, do it playfully. You're good at that. I'd be willing to bet it's one of the things he likes about you. (Who wouldn't?!)

kristin said...

this is one of my favorite things you've ever written. xo, twin of awesome.

Mrs. Architect said...

Part of me: is exactly like you - with every one of those thirds.

Anonymous said...

ugh! i hate this part of relationships. my vote is initiate the conversation. better to know now then to fall deeper into something that he isn't feeling.

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