Sunday, May 31, 2009

4 am looks horrible on me

I started yesterday at 6:30 am.

I ran a charity 5K. It was a big event that I corralled a ton of my coworkers into participating in, so I was pulling team captain duties, too. I was happy with my time (something in the 25:something minutes). I am not happy with how badly my quads still hurt.

The best part of the run is when the race route ran two lanes - one going north and one going south. The north lane had those still walking/running but going slower than those who already ran that route and were going south.

I was going south. And Mom and Grandma were going north. Somehow I heard them shouting for me. I stopped long enough to give them a big hug. "Way to go, Al!" Grandma yelled. "I'm proud of you," my mom called after me.

It was so good to hear. You feel so loved in that moment.

The day went a bit downhill from there.

At 7 pm, I reported to bridesmaid duty. Bridezilla's bachelorette party. A thrill? Not really. But, honestly, it could have been worse. She barely annoyed me, too. (More than I can say for one of the bridesmaids.) I think the nearness of the wedding has forced her to mellow the fuck out. Also the alcohol helped. Her and me.

We went to the weener bar. Not something I'd done. Not something that I'm really counting down the moments until I can do again. But I thought it could have been worse.

And we went dancing.

And I sucked it up and had a bit of fun.

As much fun as you can have when you're feeling self-conscious and homely.

I have a really hard time with just being. Why just dance if you can dance and simultaneously fret about your hair and your skin?

(Neither of which were on their best behavior. Both of which are what I view to be the biggest flaws of my appearance.)

I hate this part of my personality, by the way. The part that is so insecure that every little thing is a big thing. When I can't let myself have any fun because I am not perfect yet I perceive everyone around me as such.

I'm sure that a girl who looks like she'd rather be hiding is really attractive to the opposite sex. I'm sure that is why the guys are forever lining up for me.

This isn't anything new. It bothers me at work. At the gym. When I'm with my family.

It is something that I want to get over. I just don't quite know how to get past it.

Something to work on, I suppose.

There's always something.


Lauren said...

sometimes it's hard to believe, but even those "perfect" girls are fretting about that stuff too. They just hide it better under a false sense of confidence. And that confidence is what will have the guys lining up. It's not really about your skin or your hair or the shape of your body or whatever. It's about exuding confidence because you're comfortable enough in your skin to draw guys in and make them feel like you're not going to be a drag. Where if you're constantly trying to hide yourself and NOT be noticed, you will most certainly never get anyone's attention.

If these things bother you so much, maybe you should talk to someone and get some help building your confidence. Everyone is uncomfortable in their own skin; everyone has flaws that they don't want others to notice. At the end of the day, it's all about coming to terms with that, and playing up the best parts of you.

Be confident. Be yourself. Choose to be happy.

my life is brilliant said...

Oh my gosh, I totally do the same thing. It's why I secretly like to dance, but always feel like I look stupid when I do it.

Honestly, I think of dancing as a sexy thing, and frankly, I think of myself as a dork. I'm OK with being a dork, but I'm also fully aware that dorks canNOT be sexy. So why would I do this whole dancing thing when everyone else knows it's not working?

And then there's my hair. I'm CONSTANTLY worried about it being frizzy. I'm always self-conscious about it. I get tons of compliments on it all the time, but I've even convinced myself that sometimes they're just trying to be nice.

When I straighten my hair, it's a bit of a relief to not have to worry about it being frizzed out ... but then I realize I miss it, since it makes me different.

Yet somehow when I wash it and go back to the curls, I'm self-conscious again ... Funny, huh?

allimarie said...

Wow, are we sisters?? I have these same thoughts. I straighten my hair 99% of the time and the risk of it frizzing is so great that all night I'm worried about it. And my makeup. Did I make it look ok? Is my eyeliner smeared? Mascara clumpy? So I look like a big mess with hair, makeup, and clothes all awry.

Being a girl just sucks sometimes. Hmm...maybe most of the time.

allimarie said...

**"Do I look like a big mess with hair, makeup, and clothes all awry??**

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