Tuesday, March 03, 2009

3/3

I don’t understand grief.

Yesterday, March 2, I probably could have expressed an opinion on grief. Explained about how, eventually, it releases you from its powerful grip. How time heals you. How you learn to move on.

That is what I would have said.

And today I wouldn’t have believed a word of it.

My grandma died 6 years ago today. She passed away in the guest bedroom of her house – she had a heart attack. She was alone. She must’ve gotten into the bed because she didn’t feel well. She got out of bed. To make a call for help, maybe. We’ll never know. My not-really-grandpa, her live-in boyfriend of over 30 years, found her on the floor. She was dead.

I really hate that she died alone.

I really hate that she died on the floor.

My mom and my sister were at the house before the paramedics took her body. Meg had to see our grandmother wheeled away. I hate that, too.

Facebook made me cry today. Meg’s status was a simple Meg --- xoxo. The hugs and the kisses, of course, being our silly little inside joke with Grandma that became a lot more after she died. Our Aunt Annette replied with xoxoxo. I replied with XOXOX. Cousin Liz left hugs and kisses, too.

Grief is always present.

All that time gives you is more mechanisms with which to hide it. Time doesn’t give you healing. I will not heal. I’m not going to move on. I’m not getting another grandma. I can’t replace her. I can’t be okay with her being gone.

So I wear my XO ring.

And I’ll go to dinner with Meg at Grandma’s favorite restaurant.

And the third of March will always be sad.

Because she is my grandma. Because I love her. And because, on every other day of the year, I tuck away how much I miss her.

3 comments:

kari said...

It's totally normal to feel that way. I don't think you get over death...it isn't a virus. My gramma died over 10 years ago (she was having a heart attack while at my high-school grad...but didn't want to bother anyone) and I still miss her. My cousins and I try to have a gramma day once a year...where we eat her favourite food, play card games and watch Jeopardy (often on her birthday).

Stace said...

no words. just here.

my life is brilliant said...

Oh my gosh, this made me cry.

I think it's great that your family has such a sweet way to remember her and to let each other know you're thinking of her.

Hugs.

 
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