Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Catharsis

I spent my entire Monday feeling physically ill. I kept thinking about Colin – about how he said that he would call me in a few days but never did, about his new girlfriend who is most likely a giant step down from me yet has the one person I want, about my lack of new prospects and how personality, combined with my career choice, will most likely vault me into the Spinster Stratosphere and I will never have a husband or babies and my life will always feel unfulfilled.

Yesterday was not a good day.

I was tired. I was sad. I felt sick.

Nothing helped. Working was not enough of a distraction. I don’t know why I bothered attempting to study. The Indian food I made for dinner, a spicy dish, tasted bland and unappealing. Gossip Girl was not as good as I expected it to be.

Colin haunted me. I felt it in my stomach and in my shaky hands.

I wanted to cry.

I couldn’t. Of course. All of the times that Colin has cast me aside, all of the feelings of worthlessness that I have wallowed in, the modest expectations that he could never meet and the promises that he couldn’t keep – I have not once cried over him. My eyes have welled up. My heart has sunk. My stomach has twisted. But I have never cried.

I have never been able to.

I suspect it is because I never felt truly worthy.

Not of him.

Of love.

Whatever the reason is – maybe I am just a frigid bitch – I needed a release from the anxiety that had gripped me the entire day. I needed to cry.

I got into bed. Put a sad DVD into my laptop. Cried. Went to bed.

And today feels a lot better.

7 comments:

Accidentally Me said...

I think you need to make a correction...Colin is not "the one person you want". A better Colin that doesn't act like an ass is the one person you want.

But he is not that guy! He is what he is, and thinking of what he could be like if he changed is not going to actually improve him. You may like being around him, and you may be strongly drawn to him, but you don't like the ACTUAL him.

Lauren said...

I agree with Accidentally. The 'one person you want' is the one who is going to treat you with respect and honesty, and who will make you melt inside every time he touches you.

I don't think that you were in love with Colin. I think that you may have been in love with the idea of Colin, and then convinced yourself that you wanted him, despite how poorly he constantly treated you.

Don't allow yourself to be treated like you're not worth more. You are worth it, and he is not!

A said...

Ya'll make very good points. Colin and I had potential - and maybe that was what I was so infatuated with. It would've made a good story. It could've been legendary.

I need to fall out of love with the "idea of Colin." I don't want to be an unhappy grandmother, telling her grandchildren about how her grandpa treated her like shit for the first three years he knew her.

Anonymous said...

When you meet the man you are supposed to marry, that story will be beyond legendary because the way you feel about him will be almost too much for your heart not to burst out of your chest.

I promise. I promise.

Does my husband get on my nerves sometimes? Hell yeah! But I still get butterflies after he's been out of town for 3 straight days and I see his car pull up. And I think I always will.

Anonymous said...

Try thinking about how you felt about him during that trip to NYC.

Hold on to that annoyance.

That might help.

Stace said...

Everyone has good points! You are stronger than all of this, I must admit, I feel your pain, although I enjoy that you are better at writing than I am, b/c you express everything I feel. Your day was Monday, mine was Tues, but one day we'll have someone that completes us, and is nothing like all these little boys we've had in the past. KEEP YOUR HEAD UP KIDDO!

OC said...

You absolutely are worth of love. And when you find someone that is worthy of YOUR love, you'll know. And they'll make you laugh and they may even make you cry, but at least it will be someone worthy of your tears.

 
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