Wednesday, April 30, 2008

My sister is a dickhead

After the fourth or fifth time, I knew Meg was up to something.

"I don't want you to have to watch Blue all weekend, so I will stay with her on Thursday night."

"I'm coming home on Thursday night, so you can sleep at your house."

"I'm going to be home all day on Thursday and I think I will spend the night. I'll watch Blue so you don't have to."

The feigned selflessness was just oozing out of her. It was so damn obvious.

If you're going to do me a favor, make it an actual favor. Don't let me pack up all of my shit, spend a night at Mom and Dad's, pack up all of my shit again, spend the night at my house and repack a third time, so I can resume watching Blue.

It isn't like keeping an eye on Blue is particularly taxing.

Just be honest. Tell me that your bringing friends over. I can certainly figure out the rest.

Pretending that you're doing a very selfish thing because it is in my best intrest? It's bullshit.

Don't waste my time.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

It never hurts to be prepared

Last week, I had this funny feeling that Colin would be there.

This week, it is less of an inkling and more of a certainty. He will be there. Pretending like everything is okay, I'm sure.

I want to be able to look him in the eye.
I want to be able to walk into that building, see him through the open door to his office and give him a little wave. I don't want the tension and the drama of last week. I want to acknowledge that he is there. And then I want to play my game. Not "play," halfheartedly, like I did last week.

And I want two seconds alone with him. I had it last week, but I wasn't prepared.

This week, if all of the stars align again, I will be prepared to ask him the one question I need answered.

What is it about me that makes it so easy for you dismiss my existence?

I need that answer.

Monday, April 28, 2008

This morning, my brain is full

Leave it to a nurse
My mom gets sick very rarely. Yesterday, she woke up with acute pain in her abdomen. She got out of bed, had some coffee, read the paper and went back to bed. She got up at 4 pm – and only because we had reservations for dinner to celebrate my sister’s graduation.

She had a bad night. She doesn’t feel good today. She is supposed to leave for California tomorrow. So she isn’t going to see a doctor. Because “it will not be quick” and “they are going to have to do a lot of tests.” So she is either going to decide she feels well enough to go to California. Or she is not going to go to California and see a doctor tomorrow.

This is what she says at dinner yesterday: “I hope it isn’t a tumor. That would really be a bitch.”

I am obviously freaking out. A lot. That is just how I work – assuming the absolute worst and thinking about how awful it will be until I make myself physically ill. I don’t know if I could handle my mom being really sick. I don’t know if I have it in me.

I might never be hungry again
We went to Morton’s The Steakhouse last night for dinner. I am still full.

Baked seafood appetizer. Morton’s Salad and Filet Oskar. Hot Upside-Down Apple Pie.


Have I mentioned that my sister graduated from college?

Have I mentioned that Blue has been symptom-free since her seizure last Friday?

Have I mentioned that I ended up with an A- in that one class that I really really hated and was really really afraid of?

Yeah. And I’m pissed that I didn’t get an A. Because I ruined my 4.0. I really liked having a 4.0. The 3.89 is okay, I suppose. I enjoyed having something perfect in my life. Oh well. It was nice while it lasted.

I probably should’ve read this three years ago
He’s Just Not That Into You is a really good book full of really good advice that I really need to take. I won’t, I’m sure, because it seems that I enjoy feeling miserable and worthless – but it is very comforting to know that I have all of those excellent suggestions and tough love, all together in one handy bound volume of goodness.

Saturday, April 26, 2008

4 years later

My sister graduated from college today.

I spent the entire day trying not to cry. And trying to look like I wasn't trying not to cry.

I am so proud of her.

And I am scared for her.

I felt old and happy and like an immense failure. Four years after my grandiose ceremony. After all of that celebration. You think that I would've amounted to something by now.

Meg loves her sunglasses, by the way.

She is a terrific kid.

In four years, I hope her list of successes is much longer. In four years, I hope that her regrets about her undergraduate years are few - or nonexistent.

It fucking figures

OF COURSE this is the first week since our blowout that I've seen Colin. OF FUCKING COURSE.

I was destined to run into him this week.

This week, of all weeks. The week where I made more strides towards getting over him than I had in the prior 4 months.

OF COURSE my team still owed money. I had to walk up to the desk, $20 in hand, feigning confidence.

"Hello, stranger," he said.

I tossed the bill in his direction.

"How are you?" he asked. I was already turning away.

"Well, you know," I replied. My voice doesn't carry well in those situations, so I doubt he even heard me. Not that I wanted him to. My response wasn't exactly clever.

He was there. I tried to play. He milled about, doing whatever it is that he does. I felt like I was going to throw up.

I still feel like I'm going to throw up.

Of all of the weeks for this to happen.

Friday, April 25, 2008

Bar none

I cannot believe that it is Friday and here I am, finally getting around to writing about last weekend. I had a very busy week, wallowing in self-pity, finishing off my last class of the semester, reuniting with Grey's Anatomy and watching a bit of playoff hockey.

Anyway. Here is what I did this weekend: went to the same bar, three nights in a row.

I cannot recall a time that I have been out three nights in a row. And the same bar? Unheard of.

This bar is just a few blocks from my apartment. The food is fantastic. The prices are reasonable. The vibe is chill. And I can drink as much as I want and walk home. [That, my friends, is uncommon in this automotive-centered region. We drive everywhere.]

On Friday night, I went out with my soccer team. Dinner and drinks. Nothing too wild, but fun was had and memories were made.

On Saturday night, Colleen came out with Anna and me. It was Anna's 23rd birthday. To celebrate, we ate chips and salsa and drank too much. I went to sleep with Anna and Colleen watching Dan in Real Life, drunk, in our living room. I woke up with Colleen in my bed. The entire evening was blissful.

Sunday did not bring me so much bliss. Aviva called. She was home for Passover and wanted to see me before she left. I had commitments galore, but I promised that I would try to squeeze her in after Anna's birthday party. At 9:30 on Sunday night, I am making the journey downtown to meet her at a damn casino. And then I get there, send her a text message to find out where she is.

And she is at a different casino.

Change of plans!

I was so pissed.

Eventually, Aviva met me at my new favorite bar. By the time she got there, it was 11:45 pm. And I had to suck up the little energy that I had and pretend to be excited to see her. And really? I wasn't. Not so much. Not after that debacle.

But I put on a smile and faked it. Because that is what I do.

And also because I was at my new favorite bar.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Oh, the relief

I'm finished with class for the semester.

The class that I dreaded and dreaded and feared? It's over. And it is quite possible that I earned an A.

I have two weeks of freedom stretched out in front of me. On the agenda: reading He's Not That Into You, watching my Meggie graduate from college, giving the bathroom the good cleaning that it needed a week ago, welcoming Grey's Anatomy back into my life, and doing the things I do every day without homework hanging over my head.

This might be the most exciting thing that has ever happened to me.

I'm not even kidding.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008


I spent my entire Monday feeling physically ill. I kept thinking about Colin – about how he said that he would call me in a few days but never did, about his new girlfriend who is most likely a giant step down from me yet has the one person I want, about my lack of new prospects and how personality, combined with my career choice, will most likely vault me into the Spinster Stratosphere and I will never have a husband or babies and my life will always feel unfulfilled.

Yesterday was not a good day.

I was tired. I was sad. I felt sick.

Nothing helped. Working was not enough of a distraction. I don’t know why I bothered attempting to study. The Indian food I made for dinner, a spicy dish, tasted bland and unappealing. Gossip Girl was not as good as I expected it to be.

Colin haunted me. I felt it in my stomach and in my shaky hands.

I wanted to cry.

I couldn’t. Of course. All of the times that Colin has cast me aside, all of the feelings of worthlessness that I have wallowed in, the modest expectations that he could never meet and the promises that he couldn’t keep – I have not once cried over him. My eyes have welled up. My heart has sunk. My stomach has twisted. But I have never cried.

I have never been able to.

I suspect it is because I never felt truly worthy.

Not of him.

Of love.

Whatever the reason is – maybe I am just a frigid bitch – I needed a release from the anxiety that had gripped me the entire day. I needed to cry.

I got into bed. Put a sad DVD into my laptop. Cried. Went to bed.

And today feels a lot better.

Monday, April 21, 2008

That familiar feeling

Over the weekend, I had the pleasure of learning that Colin is dating someone. Some girl named Megan.

At the time, I shook it off. “At least he’s not married,” I thought to myself. I told myself that I didn’t care. But I do.

The amount that I care varies. There are points in my days when I can laugh about it. There are points in my days when I can appreciate it. There are points in my day when I hope that she is stronger and meaner and more forceful than I am – that she kicks him around because he deserves it. And there are points in my day when I am absolutely sick to my stomach.

I can’t believe that he’s dating someone.

It makes my heart hurt.

And it makes me into a bitter, jealous girl.

And it makes me just the slightest bit cocky. I suspect that he has downgraded. Maybe she is pretty. Maybe she is more spontaneous. But I guarantee that she doesn’t have my education. My pedigree. My sharp wit. My abs or my ass.

Maybe those are the exact reasons that they dating.

Maybe that feeling that I sometimes buried in the back of my head – that maybe he was, in some ways, below me – was justified. Maybe our differences were the reason that we couldn’t make it work.


I cannot wait to be over him.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Am best sister ever

Meg graduates from college on Saturday.

I simply cannot believe that it has been four years since she started school (and thus four years since I finished) - but that isn't the point of this.

The point of this is that I wanted to buy her a really awesome graduation present. When I finished school, she bought me the pink Kate Spade wallet that I'm still using.

I didn't want to buy her a wallet (too obvious) or a purse (bought her one for Christmas) or a diploma frame (wouldn't appreciate). I wanted to buy her something that she would use regularly. I wanted it to be something that she wouldn't buy herself.

Sunglasses. A pair that I don't have the attitude to pull off. But Meg can/does/will. She is so much sassier than I am.

And her new sunglasses will say it.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Thank God it was the last class

I fell in class today.

I went to get up, because we were on break, got my foot stuck in the handle of my totebag and, like, tumbled to the floor.

I didn't flat out fall. Caught myself with my hands. Emily, this girl who I did a group project with, sees me and makes a crazy-loud gasp. And then another guy who was in our group rushes to pick me off of the floor. And I'm all "oh, it's okay. I'm fine, I just got my foot caught."

I just got my foot caught AND WANTED TO DIE.

So embarassing. I am telling nobody outside of the blogosphere.

Friday, April 18, 2008


Blue had a seizure - or what appeared to be one, anyway - today.

It has me just a little freaked out.

We're not ready to lose another dog.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Jet setting

I'm going to Los Angeles. Friday, May 9 - Tuesday, May 13.

This trip was completely unplanned. But the weekend (other than Mother's Day) was perfect and the price was right.

You only live once.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Open your eyes

Dear Girl in Class,

I have been sitting in the same seat all semester. This shouldn't come as a surprise. You have, too.

We've been sitting next to each other since January, but I am still unsure as to why you regularly hog 3/4 of the table. And I cannot figure out how you're so unaware as to not realize - even once - that when you don't push in your chair when you leave that I cannot get out of our row without pushing it in for you.

I was a little surprised when, as I attempted to get to my seat this afternoon, you moved the bags that you had left strewn about behind my chair. You moved your bags when you saw me. And then you didn't scoot in your chair. Which I found to be very curious, since there was 1" between your chair and the desk behind you.

Maybe you weren't paying attention.

But you had ample opportunity to get the hint while I stood there for an awkward few seconds - wearing "What the Flying Fuck" across my face. You didn't get it. I took a seat in the row in front of you.

I must admit, I loved today's in-class exercise. Our professor passed out different volumes of a book - we used the books to answer the questions. Whoever had the appropriate volume answered the question. I answered one question. And answered it well. And you? Your volume held the answers to three questions - more than anyone else in the class. Unlike most of our classmates, you didn't even have a partner.

Just for the record, you sounded like a complete jackass when you attempted to answer that second question.


Can't do anything but hope for the best

It is a big day for me.

I have a progress review with my new boss. We haven’t set my goals for 2008 (What? It’s only mid-April.), so I guess we’re going to sit down and hammer that mess out. I don’t really know why we bother with setting goals, pretending like my job is something that a trained monkey couldn’t do. I wonder what he would say to the suggestion that my annual goals include “being the best lackey-with-an-$80,000+-education I can be.”

More importantly, I sort of, kind of, absolutely must tell my boss that I’m going to take a few classes this summer. I’m taking a Tuesday and a Wednesday class, both at my school’s main campus, not the oh-so-convenient satellite campus that is 12 minutes from the office. I’ll have to leave work 15 or 20 minutes early those days. If he doesn’t give me his blessing...I am fucked. I don’t know what I will do. Quit my job? Not really an option. Take online classes? I don’t know if any classes are even open at this point. Take the semester off? I don’t want to extend this educational journey any longer.

If he says no to me, I guarantee that I will cry. Probably not in front of him. But once I get back to my desk and start thinking about it? Hell yes. Bawling. All red and splotchy with snot running down my face. Going to school means a lot to me right now – and, amazingly, you can see it in my grades – and I don’t know what I will do if that is taken away from me. School, and that promise of the future: it is exactly what is keeping me going.

I have to sell this. I am going to tell him that I am taking a few classes, prerequisites that I didn’t take as an undergrad, so that I can apply for business school. I will tell him that it will take me forever to finish (to alleviate any concerns or fears that I will be leaving soon). If asked, I will tell him why I am going back to school: because I am educated and smart and I am still a glorified secretary. Because I have been working for this company for more than three years and haven’t gotten a raise (okay, technically I did get one, but it was so small that it doesn’t cover the increase in cost of living). I’ll be honest, but not too honest. I am not going to library school. I am not graduating in a year.

So nervous.

Wish me luck.

Updated: I asked him, in a shockingly calm manner. His response? "That shouldn't be a problem." It was hardly a big deal.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008


I have been living in my apartment since January.

On Sunday, it finally felt like home.

While we certainly had a suitable arrangement, I have been jonesing for a new TV stand for the last month or so. I saw that Ikea carried what looked like the perfect fit for our living room. And it was the same amount as a gift card that I had!


I swear, I was the only person at Ikea by herself.

Getting the box onto the cart? A slight struggle. A man offered to help me. After it was in the cart.

But I am a big, bad independent woman. I wheeled that cart around like it was an extension of my body!

And I remembered where I parked. Hello, miracle.

And then it all got a little more difficult. The box, I knew, would not fit into my trunk. But I was fairly sure it would fit into my back seat. So I heaved, I grunted, I pushed and I squeezed and I swore. The box was heavy. There was not enough room between my car and the car next to me. And I was afraid that I was going to roll my ankle.

I get the sucker into my backseat. Only to discover that it was two inches too long. I couldn't close the door.

So I decide to push the passenger seat up and wedge it in.

Doesn't fit.

Do my seats fold down to lengthen the trunk? Amazingly, this is the first time that I consider this option. I take a peek at the seats, determine that I have no damn clue, and refer to the manual. I'm still not sure. And I am very frustrated.

I wonder if my daddy will come and bail me out.

I wonder if I should just return it.

So I stand in the parking lot and stare at the damn box. Because that will help.

Eventually, finally, I pop the trunk. And find two little levers, which flip down my seat and fix my little conundrum.

It took me over 30 minutes to load the box into my car.

And less than 30 minutes to put it together.

When I finished, when I put the TV on it and hooked up the DVD player and threw on some candles and - voila - my living room was complete and my house felt like home.

We have 8 months left on our lease.

I'm going to be really bitter if we don't renew.

Monday, April 14, 2008

And the winner is...p2

Congratulations to the proud owner of an unborn, yet-to-be conceived fetus and $20!

From: Colin
To: Alyson
Sent: Monday, April 14, 2008 1:23 PM
Subject: RE: Hey

I will give you a call in the next couple of days, my computer was out and just got to check this email

To Do, Tuesday, April 15:
1. Write three-page paper that is due on Wednesday
2. Have dinner at Chipotle
3. Order soccer jerseys
4. Craft detailed outline of talking points, clever comebacks and snotty rebuttals in preparation for a phone call from Colin that will probably never come.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

The more things change, the more they stay the same

Late last week, two girls abruptly quit my summer soccer team. Good riddance, ladies. Enjoy your time in the Over-30 league.

My team - which I am helping run this year - was already a few girls short of a well-stocked team. Instead of looking for two girls, we're now looking for four. It is really hard to have a small team. We play in the summertime, which means we need a good deal of substitutes due to the heat and we always have a few girls missing because of a vacation or whatnot.

I've spent the last few days racking my brain for girls to add to our team. I have bothered Meg to ask any and all friends who play soccer. I been shooting emails back and forth with the team manager, throwing out names with abandon. We're making a little bit of progress, with a few girls on our "we'll ask, at the last minute, if we have no other choice" list.

This morning, my mom mentioned a high school teammate we had run into at our gym. My old teammate and I had exchanged phone numbers - she thought she might need me as a sub on her indoor soccer team - and I had completely forgot about it. Looking in my phone confirmed that, yes, I was in possession of her number.

I was, of course, more than slightly nervous to contact her. I am not a big fan of the phone. The girl and I haven't been close for eight years. And I hate rejection.

So I sent her a text message. After composing it in my head for a good hour.

Just short of committing, she said that she was interested in joining the team.

Heather (who I also played high school soccer with) emailed me later in the day. She, knowing about our team's personnel woes, contacted another former teammate of ours. She, too, is interested in joining our team.

Meg found us a player, too. One of her high school teammates.

I am a little in love with the nostalgia that this stirs up.

I will be more in love with it if it brings us some wins.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Fun and excitement all around

1. I scored two goals in my soccer game last night, one of which came in the last minute of the game and tied the game. An esteemed teammate put us ahead with only a few seconds left. We won the game. Who doesn't like to win?

2. This afternoon, I registered my sister and I for a 5K at the end of May. The timing is perfect - the weekend before our outdoor season starts - assuring that I'll be in shape for soccer in addition to doing something that is both semi-enjoyable (not a huge fan of the running) and charitable.

3. Am going to Our Bar with Lucy, Chet and Colleen tonight. Inviting me out more than 10 minutes before you're going to leave? How novel!

4. Approval for student loans. As much as I love going into debt, the loan will make my life a lot easier.

5. My semester is blissfully close to being over.

6. Mom and Meg went on a major shopping spree at GAP yesterday and I ended up with a few new headbands, an adorable dress and a new spring coat. Wheee!

7. It is NHL playoff time. Playoff hockey is awesome like woah.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

$20 and my first born say that I won't ever hear from him

From: Alyson
To: Colin
Sent: Thursday, April 10, 2008 12:28 PM
Subject: RE: Hey

I am genuinely sorry to hear that life has been treating you and yours so poorly, but I also think that I owe it to myself to look at the bottom line.

I don't believe that this conversation should be continued via email. If you want to talk to me, you can reach me through same standard lines of communication; the ball is in your court.


And now I am done.

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Am biggest dumbass ever

So, I emailed Colin today?

I KNOW. I know, I know, I know. There was this momentary lapse in judgment and I don't know how it happened. One minute I was holding strong and steady, the next minute I was hitting send.

You are all allowed to post hate comments. But just this one time.

Perhaps I am delusional (there is no doubt that I am delusional), but I think that my email could have been worse. More pathetic. Slightly more pathetic, anyway. I'm pretty close to the top of that scale.

From: Alyson
To: Colin
Sent: Wednesday, April 09, 2008 12:44 PM
Subject: RE: Hey

You know that last time I saw you – at soccer, when I acted like a spoiled, bratty toddler? I have been feeling guilty about it for the past 2+ months, so I think that it is time for me to apologize (via email because it is the easy way out). It was uncalled for. I acted like an ass. Sorry. The end.


From: Colin
To: Alyson
Sent: Wednesday, April 09, 2008 4:44 PM
Subject: RE: Hey

You had all good reason to be like that, I was the stupid guy that fell off the face of the earth...again. I wouldn't fell guilty about it, I would have come to more soccer games but between feeling awkward with everyone there and you not wanting to even look at me, I figured probably not the best of ideas. How much money do I owe you? So I am sorry for a being a douche and still would like to chat, but I understand. BTW the 212 [we're talking phone number prefixes here] number is almost done and only carry 476.

P.S. WE had to put
[his brother's dog] down
P.S.S. [His other brother] was in Jail and is going to Marine Corp
P.S.S.S. My Aunt committed suicide
P.S.S.S.S. My Uncle Died
P.S.S.S.S.S. I have a new Dog
P.S.S.S.S.S.S. I need to have shoulder surgery
That is all of the main information that has happened lately and most of that happened in December.

How the hell do you respond to that?

How do you say "I'm really sorry that your life was shitty but I can't forgive you for how you treated me" in a semi-kind manner?

Need to be firm.

Need to tell him that we can talk about this, but it cannot be via email. Wait...can we talk about this? What if I am totally, way, so so so certain that it will not lead to me falling for him again that I would bet my future on it? Then could we theoretically talk this out if he happens to be man enough to want to [side note: he isn't. Would bet my ovaries on it.]?

NEED TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THE BLOODY HELL IS WRONG WITH ME. I cannot believe I emailed him. Gah. Am complete wanker.

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

My life is boring, ya'll

I consider myself to be a pretty consistent blogger. I can normally crank out something every weekday and maybe one little something over the weekend. I try to keep a routine. If I don't, I am absolutely sure that I would go to blog one afternoon and realize that I hadn't for a month.

This life that I'm living now? Not so good for keeping up the routine. As much as I would like to blog "I went to work. I went to bed. I watched Dancing with the Stars - Go Kristi!", I can't bring myself to do it. The English major in me has standards.

But not today! No low standards, today! Here is what I have been doing, in all of its monotonous glory:

1. Pushing my ankle to its limits.
It has been quite swollen the last two days. I'm sure it has nothing to do with soccer on Friday night, running 3.5 miles Saturday afternoon or skating on Sunday morning.

2. Working like a busy little bee.
Work has been kicking my ass lately. No time to blog. No time to read blogs. No time for lunch. No time to breathe. It makes the days go by quickly, I guess, but it is hard to sustain this level of enthusiasm when I take into consideration what I'm (not) paid.

3. Planning for my outdoor soccer season. I'm helping run the team this year. The league requires one silly administrative task after the next and we're busy jumping through the hoops. I'm in charge of ordering the jerseys, though. We'll be styling.

4. Finishing up the semester. My Saturday class is all but finished. I turned in my final exam and gave a big presentation last week. I'll have one tiny thing to do in class on the last day, but I am through with anything that counts substantially towards my grade and anything that requires any effort. In my other class, I have a short (3 page) paper and a final exam to take. It will be so nice to be done.

5. Not checking Colin's MySpace page. Yes, that's right. I have self control.

6. Shopping for Vera Bradley bags. I have a $75 off $200 purchase coupon for Meg is making a dent in the $200 I need to spend by buying a birthday present for her roommate ($38) and a wallet for herself ($19) and I've picked out a tote ($54) and a wallet ($19) as Mother's Day presents for Mom. And now I need to decide what I want. It is an impossibility, shopping online, not being able to touch them, and trying to get different prints from what I already own (Java Blue) what Meg has (Peacock) what Meg ordered for herself (Capri Blue) and what we ordered for Mom (Medallion and Capri Melon). I'm thinking something in Citrus and something in Petal Pink. I just can't decide on styles. Oh, the stress of it all. I am so tortured. Oh, woe is me.

7. Watching Dancing with the Stars. Which I need to get to. Please excuse me, friends, I need to fry my brain.

Sunday, April 06, 2008

Maybe I'm the problem

This is Anna's weekend off work, so I wanted to make an effort to spend a bit of time with her. I have a habit of escaping to Mom and Dad's house on the weekends - and then she's here all by herself and feels all lonely and I am sure it does nothing to help her mental state.

It's hard being a new graduate. Your college social life doesn't follow you.

Anna and a few of the nurses that she works with decided that they wanted to go to the bar. Multicultural Nurses Night, Anna called it, since the group is quite diverse.

I told Anna that I would go out with her and the nurses. I am not a social creature, so I wasn't thrilled at the prospects of drinking with a bunch of people who I don't know, but I try to push myself. On occasion, anyway.

It wasn't long after I accepted Anna's invitation that Lucy, still without a phone, emailed to ask if I would like to spend Saturday night at her house. She was having a little game night, with a few friends and a few family members.

I didn't accept the invitation. Told her to come to Multicultural Nurses Night once the games got old.

A few days passed. After nearly two months of not being able to contact her (three weeks in Israel, four weeks waiting for her phone to be shipped from Israel), Lucy finally got her phone back. She called yesterday. I rang her back. Anna's Multicultural Nurses Night was to be held right by her house. I wanted to go to Lucy's house before. If it could be arranged. If they weren't getting together too late.

She never called back.

That shit pisses me off. You don't have two minutes to return my phone call? I wanted to see you - but I am so over having to put in all of the work. I feel like an afterthought.

Like last weekend. I called Colleen in the afternoon. She mentioned that her and Lucy were going the birthday party of one of Lucy's college friends. I thought "gee, thanks for asking if I wanted to go along." I said nothing. Lucy called me around 9:00 pm (from her husband's phone) and asked if I wanted to join them. They were just about to leave.

Uh, no thanks. As fun as it would be, I had just played in a hockey game and hadn't showered and I was at my parents house and had no proper clothes. Why? Because you couldn't bother to invite me until 5 minutes before you were going to leave.

I'm sorry, but I just don't work like that.

I want more than 5 minutes lead time.
I want to know the plan rather than just show up at your house with the hopes that your game night is still going on.

I don't think it is too much to ask.

Maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe I am just needy.

I just want to know that I am a priority.

Thursday, April 03, 2008

Fueled by coffee

I had a coffee at 7:00 tonight. I know better! Since laying off the juice, I've hardly had it at all. And, every time I have indulged in a cup of coffee, I have been rewarded with a killer caffeine buzz. Tonight? Not an exception.

I had coffee because it has been a crazy week. Work has been terribly busy. Little to no time to do important things like balance my checkbook, read blogs, shop online for a graduation gift for Meg or read Perez Hilton. It is a sad state of affairs.

In addition to the work, there's the schoolwork. Oh, the schoolwork. It clearly is the end of the semester. Presentations, 2. Term papers, 1. Take-home exams, 1. Crap upon crap upon crap. And I don't feel like doing any of it.

I opened up my take-home final on Tuesday night and was shocked at how long it was. I could've sworn that when I originally read the assignment we only had to choose a handful of these 43 terms to define. And I really thought the short essay portion required two responses, not three.

I've been working on this damn take-home final all week.

And totally neglecting the presentation that my group may have to give on Saturday. Half of the groups go the first week, half of the group goes the second week. I'll go to class on Saturday prepared. And I will spend class praying that we can slide under the radar until the next week.

I shouldn't worry quite so much. Of the 60 points worth of work my professor has graded so far, I have 59 points.

And this coffee is going to keep me up all damn night. There's plenty to time to chase perfection. Even if it isn't on company time.

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

It just feels good to read it

Colin's MySpace profile has been updated.


Tuesday, April 01, 2008

A break from the gloom and doom

Thanks, everyone, for your input about my cousin/roommate Anna. I considered it all very carefully, took it all into account. And did nothing.

It all worked out in my favor, allowing me to be the non confrontational, spineless twit that I have been for the past 25 years. Score!

Anna started on the upswing early last week. A job opened up within her hospital that she really wants. The new job would get her off of her current floor (where she is crazy unhappy) and onto day shifts (she would work four 10-hour shifts during the workweek and a Saturday every six weeks). I'm fairly certain that she thinks that a new job will solve all of her problems. (It won't, obviously, but hopefully it will help.)

She called my mom to tell her about the job, explain why she was unhappy in her current job, talk it through and whatnot. Basically, she wanted my mom's blessing.

My mom told her that she was a good nurse. And that made Anna happy.

And then my mom told Anna about how obsessive she is about her job. And about how every little thing sets her off and makes her miserable. I don't know all of the details, but I am sure that my mom was kind yet firm. She also mentioned, multiple times, that she feels that Anna would benefit from talking with someone. And she gave her the name of a therapist who works in the hospital, who apparently all of the doctors and the nurses go to.

I went to dinner with Anna last Thursday night and she seemed better. She was much more upbeat. Everything was not the end of the world. It was surprisingly enjoyable to be around her.

My mom talked with Aunt Marie (Anna's mom) over the weekend and Aunt Marie mentioned that Anna was going to try going to therapy. My mom didn't push her for more information. I have no idea who she is going to see. I have no idea if she'll go through with it.

But I hope that she does. Because she deserves to be happy. And she deserves to know how to let go and allow herself be happy.
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