Saturday, February 16, 2008

A little consistency, please

On Thursday, on the one day of the year that I shouldn't, I was fine with being single. I went to dinner with three friends, none of whom knew each other, and had a ridiculous amount of fun. We gelled well, immediately vaulting past the awkward stage. It was fun. I didn't need a boyfriend.

I mentioned to Nate, my favorite soccer teammate ever, that I needed a boyfriend. He is all over this project. And it sounds fun, giving myself up to the uncertain. My confidence in Nate is liberating. I don't need a boyfriend.

The sun is shining and my skin has an unusual, satisfying glow to it. I don't need a boyfriend.

Colin didn't come to soccer again last night. I played with his coworkers. I wonder if he has told them awful things about me. I wonder if they've noticed that he seems sad. I am curious, but I do not dwell. I might be moving on.

Generally, he is the first thought of every day.
I've visited his MySpace page at least three times in the last 24 hours.
I keep formulating the phone call that I want to make. It would be a message. He won't answer.
I remind myself not to drive by his house.
I hope that he comes to our soccer games, even if his presence hurts.

I want to see him.
And I desperately want to not want to see him.

This middle stage - where I walk between only wanting him back and truly never wanting to see him again - is miserable.

I want one feeling and I want to stick with it.


Stace said...

You only went 3 times in 24 hours? That's amazing I go every chance I get. :/
Do you have a myspace yet?
And being single is great! I'm beginning to get use to it.

OC said...

Been there, done that. The best news I have for you is that it does get better with time. I promise.

Keep your head up. It'll be ok.

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