Saturday, January 12, 2008

Stupid play, stupid girl

He wasn’t at our game last night.

I should’ve been smart enough to check his refereeing schedule. He is sort of big time, as far as refereeing goes. And his big time league has their schedule online. It wouldn’t have been hard to do.

Didn’t think of it.

Found out a few hours before the game, from a teammate who found out from another teammate (who is his coworker).

I was disappointed. It wasn’t that I really wanted to see him – or maybe subconsciously I did – but I wanted to get that experience over with. I wanted to see him, I wanted it to hurt and I wanted to get past it.

Maybe next week.

Instead, I played a decent soccer game. I scored a gorgeous goal off of a phenomenal pass. And with less than two minutes left in the game, I turned over the ball and the other team scored. We were still winning. I hung my head. And a teammate joked, “hey! Nice assist.” It was supposed to be a joke but I did not find it funny.

I stormed off of the field.

I felt stupid.

A bad play that resulted in a goal? Definitely embarrassing.

Less embarrassing, however, than what I’d endured for over an hour. Playing at Colin’s workplace with Colin’s coworkers. In the minutes that I sat on the bench while I kicked off my turf shoes and peeled off my socks and shin guards, I felt like a stupid, foolish girl.

A girl who didn’t know any better. Who is getting laughed at behind her back for being so naïve to think that Colin would change, would settle down, would sustain the interest that he showed for her in the fall. Doesn’t she know that his relationships do not last longer than a season? Doesn’t she see that she isn’t what he wants?

His coworkers can see it. How could they not? How could my sudden absence in his life not be a topic of conversation?

How come everybody else knows, but not me?


Unknown said...

:( That sucks, all around... I HATE making plays like that (trust me, I have, in several soccer games) and hate how sucky Colin is. Are there any leagues away from his work and coworkers? Or do you have any close girlfriends who can come with you and distract you from the Colin thoughts? xoxo

Stace said...

Boys suck. I've known this for sometime, but I always think they are smart when we are dating and then bam, I'm single and boys are dumb again. I'm sorry your going through this. I agree with GFF about another league. Although I don't know how it feels to play soccer and help the other team, but I know what it feels like to screw up something in a game. Cheer up kiddo. I'm your #1 fan. :D

s said...

i don't usually comment, but i do read. i just wanted to tell you not to beat yourself up about this. most girls have done such similar things. i can't even tell you how long it took me to finally get the picture, but in the end if you guys hadn't gone down this path once and for all you could have always been guessing, what if. now you know, unequivocally, that he can't provide you with what you need. cheer up!

OC said...

How come everybody else known, but not me?

Because we want to believe. We (females) are really good about telling ourselves anything we can come up with (and us bloggers are pretty creative) in order to believe something is or isn't happening.

We rationalize until there's no more rationalizing left. We analyze and come up with reasons when there may not be tangible reasons. We want the best, we want to believe, and we want it to work out. And we hate having to accept it when it doesn't.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I would say try to talk to Colin, just get it out in the open so you can work on closure, but only you know what's right for you.

Oh and definitely keep playing soccer. I know how hard leagues are to find (at least near me) and don't let him or his co-workers stop you from doing what you love.

Sorry for the novel here...

Anonymous said...

You need to say what you wrote to him. It's just pissing me off that guys think they can get away with that crap.

Blog Template by Delicious Design Studio