Friday, January 25, 2008

Choose your own adventure

I don’t think that I can ignore Colin’s email.

He is still on my soccer team. We have a game on Tuesday. I want to mitigate the awkwardness. For my sake, not for his. I want my feelings to be clear. I want to be able to look him in the eye. I want to be the bigger person.

And I think that I want it to be a short email.

Help me. Help me figure out what to say. Help me write an email that is painful but not cruel. Or talk me out of responding to him. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do.

Can we vote? Give me your top five. Or your top one. Or something even better to say. Please.

Potential response #1:
Nice to know you’re alive.

Potential response #2:
I have nothing to say to you. Call me when you’ve grown up.

Potential response #3:
I will not discuss your ridiculously selfish actions via email. When you summon up the courage to speak to me as an adult, I will gladly explain to you how, over the course of the last month, I have lost all respect for you.

Potential response #4:
Nice try. Go away.

Potential response #5:
I am incredibly disappointed in you.
I hope that you are embarrassed.

Potential response #6:
I find it absolutely astounding that your life was booked solid for an entire month. Not even time to make a phone call or send a text message! It is shocking. I don’t know how you did it! You must be totally exhausted and overwhelmed. And I’m sure that I would only exhaust and overwhelm you more. Consider yourself free of this burden.

Potential response #7:
No need to apologize. I got the hint. I’m done. You’re free.

Potential response #8:
Do not pretend to care.

I can be civil in your presence. That is it and it is more than you deserve.

See you at soccer.

Potential response #9:
I am not going to excuse your actions. Is that what you were looking for? Is that the reason you emailed?

Potential response #10:
You have got to be kidding me.

Potential response #11:
I should not even dignify your excuses with a response.

Lucky for you, I'm a bigger person than you are.

Potential response #12:
I don't have time for you.

(See? It was that easy. It is called humanity.)

No, really. I don't.

Potential response #13:
As much as I love playing games with you, I spent the last month filling up my life so that I wouldn't notice that you were gone. I'm not clearing my calendar.

Potential response #14:
Way too little, way too late.

Potential response #15.
This email is approximately three weeks overdue. I will no longer accept it.

Potential response #16.
I am sure that whatever you had going on was important. Much more important than I am. (That doesn't mean much. As I understand it, I am not very important.) We'll talk again. When every second of every single one of your days is not filled with better, more important things.

Potential response #17.
Did you actually think that I needed an email to explain that I am the absolute LOWEST priority in your life? Please.


Anonymous said...

OH, I don't know... I hate that you even have to respond! But with the soccer thing, I guess you have to....
I'd go with something quick and dismissive.A combo of #8 and #14... "Way too little, way too late. I can be civil in your presence and that's the limit of our relationship now."

I honestly DO NOT understand who he thinks he is... or who you are!!!?!! How could he EVER expect you to come crawling back after how he treated you? He sent that email and I think he's expecting you to be a little mad, nothing a quick pat on the head and a beer won't cure, is he a freaking idiot?!!!!??? Geez!!!

I wish I was there to distract you, or you were here so I could take you to the beach!! xoxo

M said...

I like No. 4 and No. 17. Just laugh at his futility ...

Anonymous said...

I like them all but #16. asshat that he is...hope it goes smoothly. i would have a hard time not throwing something directly at his head.

Anonymous said...

I agree with GFF.....I was actually going to suggest something similar. Be strong!


Bill Robertson said...

If you want to call it off, anything but #1. Afterall, you were ready to end it after the trip to NYC. Remember?

Lauren said...

I agree with Bill. I could have sworn that the relationship was ended after NYC, and that you were the one who wanted it to be over.

Why should you have to respond to him at all? He obviously doesn't care, and neither should you.

Anonymous said...

Sometimes the best response is no response at all and in this case he does not deserve it. He didn't care that he might see you at soccer and didn't give you an explaination so why should you? I think you might think it's hard not to respond but once time goes by you will realize it was the best thing. It should never be awkward for you at soccer, YOU didn't do anything wrong. But if you have to respond, then I would go with something like, "I have nothing to say really, I'll see you at soccer and let's keep it at that." Don't give him any reason to feel like he needs to email you back, because then it will start another cycle of him thinking he can treat you this way.

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