Tuesday, December 18, 2007

I am not a fan of this month

This entire month has felt dense and scary.

I cannot let myself feel excited about starting my new job. I can only be terrified.

I cannot anxiously await moving into my new flat with my cousin Anna. I can only list the myriad of mishaps that could go drastically wrong.

I couldn’t see New York through Colin’s eyes – which have never had the pleasure of gazing at Manhattan. I can only resent his inexperience.

I cannot feel Christmas but for the looming of a deadline.

I cannot stop worrying. About my grandma. My dad. Colin. Myself.

I cannot buy a new sofa without feeling suffocated by the debt.

I cannot buy the right gifts.
I cannot do the right things.

I cannot feel anything but out of control.

The last part of this month is what scares me the most.

I am afraid of Christmas with my own family.

And I am afraid of what that says about me.


Accidentally Me said...

December does this to people a lot...it gets cold, the days get really short, there is all kinds of familial and social pressure around Christmas, and there is the emotional looming of another year-end and all of the self-evaluation that comes with that. Add in your relationship questions, and I can see where you would feel swamped.

Try and take a deep breath:-) Focus on the things you love and don't be afraid to beg out of things that you just don't have the energy for. I know we all feel bad skipping out on some commitments, but you may just not be able to go to every party or meeting or whatever and maintain your sanity. And try and keep your chin up:-)

I wish I had better advice...

DShan said...

hey, buck up...just remember it's only another month and you'll get right through it unscathed. you have a lot of anticipation anxiety, which is usually overblown and things tend to turn out less horrible than we expect them to.

the best way to deal with stuff like that is to take it on head first...preempt it and own it and 'beat it all to the punch'...that way it'll be behind you on your own terms.

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