Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Highlighting what is missing

So. Just got home from New York. I’m sitting on the floor by my bed with Blue, who got spayed today. Poor baby. She keeps looking at me with these tragically sad brown eyes. It is pretty much breaking my heart. Which is why Blue is on the bed and I am on the floor.

As far as New York goes: we had a lot of fun. We had a lot of fun and, somewhere in there, I realized that this thing that we have going on isn’t going to last. I cannot pinpoint what it was that made me come to this conclusion, but it was pretty evident. Colin had an amazing first visit to NYC, I enjoyed myself thoroughly, and we’re not going to make it as a couple.

I don’t know why New York brought out that realization.

New York made the differences in our lives and how we were raised very apparent. Colin has never done the big city thing. When we got in the cab at the airport yesterday morning, it was his second cab ride. In his entire life. And while I should have reveled in the opportunity to show him what New York was all about, I almost resented it.

Maybe I am just crabby and premenstrual.

But I think we would be better as friends.

Over the course of the trip, he hardly touched me. People who observed us together couldn’t have thought we were dating. I doubt they thought we were friends. I am willing to bet that, in the eyes of observers, I was the sister (maybe a cousin) and he was the brother. Who didn’t bring a coat along and insisted that a stupid hooded sweatshirt was sufficient enough.

It was really, really strange.

We did have fun. But it was strange.

We’re obviously trying to hard. We both like each other, but we do not like each other enough. It is forced. It is foolish.

I am wasting his time.

Maybe it will change. Even though I doubt it will.

I have a Christmas present for him. And we have plans for New Year’s Eve.

I’ll reassess at the beginning of the year. But it doesn’t look good.


Lauren said...

He hardly touched you? I guess I'm curious about that. How much does he touch you normally?

Considering I remember reading something...how intimate is your relationship with him, really? Is it a touchy feely relationship, or more? Perhaps less?

Maybe there's more to it than you're realizing...what limitations have you put on the relationship, if any?

Just curious...

Anonymous said...

I feel like I could say so many things but when I try to type it I sound like an idiot.

I just wonder if maybe the relationship has been so....what is the word? Gosh...like you can't really even let it be real because of the past. I just think you could be better off meeting someone new who treats you like you deserved to be treated full time, not part time as it seemed Colin did up until recently. And I know that you have admitted you don't give 100% either but you might be surprised how you could if it's the right person.

I know all relationships are work. But you are 25, it shouldn't be that much work, especially not if it's new. I just feel like you could miss out on all that because of how scarred the relationship is.

Okay, I sound retarded but I hope you know I'm just trying to say don't waste your time.

Stace said...

WOW that really is a bummer b/c I know how much time you've put into the relationship. But you know if it's not there it isn't there and that's ok. . . so move on. And you know maybe he's thinking the same thing. ?? Good Luck chica

Paul Michael Peters said...

Trips do that. There is a deal breaker for everyone, and for you it is cab rides and big city style. Good things to know as you get to know yourself better before you meet the right guy.

20's are for adventure and fun - enjoy it, have it... then meet a guy who you like to travel with in cabs or knows where to go in the city with your hand in his.

Accidentally Me said...


It's good that you have realized this before you had to go through a super-messy stage of your relationship. I have to feel like he is probably sensing the same thing, too.

That's a bummer:-( But hopefully you can get through it as rational adults and try to maintain some kind of a friendship without a hideous breakup.

Anonymous said...

It almost seems like you want to find something wrong with the relationship. For some reason, (im sure the past) you just won’t let it happen…..I’m sorry to be so harsh, but I think you have overanalyzed this once again.

DShan said...

i went through this. and a trip to NY was actually a turning point just like yours.

two things:

the touching thing says it all. he didn't, and you noticed.

and do NOT wait until the new year. i say this from experience. face it right away.

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