Monday, November 12, 2007

Six days to perfection

On Thursday morning, Colin leaves for a six-day business trip to Florida.

I am a little jealous that he gets to go to Florida, while I have to stay in this impossibly gray and gloomy Michigan November.

And, at the same time, I am looking forward to his trip. Six days apart will give me the time and the space to see what we’re becoming with the clarity that I need.

We revved this up so quickly. From eternally sorta-kinda to full-on boyfriend/girlfriend before I could process it. I had been telling myself, for more than two years, that when we were in our almost relationship (as opposed to when he fell off the face of planet earth), it was what I wanted, what I needed and what I deserved. And now that I have what I is overwhelming.

In a really, really good way.

Colin is being the ideal boyfriend. He is transitioning better than I am. I guess it makes sense. The reason that we’re more now than we were before is because he is finally ready and willing. He grew up. He opened his eyes. He initiated. He made the suggestion that we give up the games and try a real relationship. And then he followed through and made it happen.

I am, in many ways, floundering. I don’t know how to be a girlfriend. I barely knew how to be a sometimes, kinda-sorta, when it is convenient for you girlfriend. I’m going from administrative assistant to CEO. It makes my head spin.

I’m learning. How to balance everything. When I should skip going to the gym to be with him and when I shouldn’t. How often we should go out with my friends versus his friends versus the amount of time we spend alone. How to be present and fearless and open. How to strike a compromise between confidence and vulnerability.

It is exhausting, all of this learning.

I am doing the best that I can. But I want to do better.

And that is why I am thankful for Colin’s business trip. Not because he’ll be gone (I suspect that I will miss him quite fiercely), but because it will give me time to analyze. To get better. To be my neurotic, perfectionist self.

To have Colin come home to a better person than the one he left.


Stace said...

I find it extremely adorable that you are thinking about this as much as you are. At the same time I'm jealous that you have it to think about. But in the end you will do what's right for you and you know that. And yes you will miss him "quite fiercely" b/c girls always miss their boys as they miss us. :D

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